In honoring my daughter's privacy, I won't give specific details, but suffice it to say that something very unusual for her age has developed and we are uncertain as to what it is and what could have caused or is causing it. It could be minor. Nothing really; something that could go away on its own and will be forgotten in the everyday habits of life; remembered only casually in late night conversations as "that time we thought....." Then again, it could be really bad; something that we will never forget.
This is the hardest part of parenting: the unexpected. I knew that I would have a baby awakening every two hours to nurse. I knew that diapers would be disgusting; that there would be scraped knees and perhaps a broken arm; an occasional stitch. I knew that they would both fight with one another and fiercely defend each other against outsiders. I knew that they would want to play before working; that they would go out to the van dressed in Sunday best only to be detoured by the inviting mud puddle. I knew that friends would let them down; I knew they would challenge my authority and my opinions and make me prove myself respectable before they would respect me. I know that their hearts may break in love; that they might receive a less than admirable grade on a college exam; that their major will change with the wind; that they will love passionately and be loved in reciporcal manner. These things the heart of a mother envisions. The thought of disease or disablement never come into her secret room. They are banned at the door and relegated to the room marked "Never." Oh, I may have contemplated my own reaction when comforting a friend but you just don't know until it is you waiting for a phone call; for test results; for finality; for answers.
I have had these thoughts the last few days of living life in reverse- undancing our steps of life together; the earth raining rather than the clouds; our bodies moving in that funny rewind style; food being unconsummed. It culminates in her being delivered back into my body and to my womb where she is safe and always comfortable. Perhaps even divided back to ovum and sperm so that the thought of her existence is tucked neatly and secretly away in our bodies, undiscernable to anyone but her father and I.
I should be receiving a phone call this afternoon. Friday meant school, Spanish, piano lessons. Today it means: call...call...call...call.
Ah, a mother's loving heart. [Start Fond Rememberance]
When I was 8 years old, I discovered a rather painful growth under my left ear. It was more then just an annoyance, it was the source of a crippling pain whenever I participated in something physically demanding (running, jogging, soccer, etc.)
We went to doctor after doctor and received no real answers to the problem. ("Its a swollen gland, give it 'some time' and it will go away on its own.") It was not until 5 years later that one doctor suggested that I undergo surgery to remove this mysterious "thing" in my neck. (Of course, we researched this solution until we realized it was indeed a last but necessary resort)
So at the age of 13, I went under the knife (I, of course was unafraid of death, as I was ignorant of danger. My parents were not as unwise.)
After SIX hours of surgery, I left the operating room and it was revealed that this mass of nastiness was indeed a cancer, and was removed from my body.
I don't know how Mom was able to stay so sane. Her baby was seriously ill, and just underwent major surgery. She spent every night at my side in the hospital, sleeping on a glorified, yet uncomfortable, easy chair for almost a week. As the days went on, it was clear I was going to be alright, but it was a mother's love (even when I didn't want it) which made a big difference.
Bless your mother's heart, Rae. Together, you and your daughter will make it throught this trial and tribulation.
Posted by: Jeremy at October 1, 2004 12:19 PMI was 14 when my aunt died of Leukemia. At age 16 - I was in a "health" class. We were to call a local hospital's Answer phone line. We had been given a list of diseases, colds, etc. and we had to select a few to listen to and write up summaries - symptoms, causes, possible cures.
Simply because I'd already done much research on Leukemia, I hit that one. Surprisingly, at that point, I had some of the symptoms.
I worried and wondered for days. I resolved I wouldn't tell my parents. I figured it would have devastated my mother and my father wouldn't have kept that a secret from her.
She could tell something was wrong, but I wouldn't tell her. Many tears and shouts. I finally told her. Turned out not to be Leukemia but simply coincidence. Phew.
In junior high I knew a girl who had a lump. She was fairly well endowed even at that age. I think she was told to put a heating pad on it for so long each day. Before biopsies, I guess. It simply went away, from what I remember.
My prayers are going up for your family that all is well.
Posted by: GrumpyBunny at October 1, 2004 01:17 PMWow- Jeremy! What a story! What a blessing to have such an advocating mother. Thanks also for your thoughts and prayers.
GB- I diagnose myself as having something everytime I have a headache :) But, when you really do face the real possibilty, it is so much more frigthening....
Posted by: Rae at October 1, 2004 01:52 PMoops- GB, meant to thank you also for your prayers :0
Posted by: Rae at October 1, 2004 01:54 PMPraying for my darling goddaughter and my dearest friend also.
Posted by: Kris at October 1, 2004 09:23 PMHi Rae. You all have my prayers big time. You express a reflection of God's heart that is very beautiful even in times of distress. Thanks for "bearing His Image" in a way that turns the painful events in this world into symbols of His guiding love.
Posted by: Randy at October 2, 2004 08:14 AMJust please tell me that onw of my nieces (which ever one it might be) will be alright.... Rae...I don't know what to say, just please God let her be okay. I love you all very much!
Posted by: Sally at October 3, 2004 06:09 PMPraying from here.
Posted by: Eduardo at October 4, 2004 07:28 AMOh, Rae, I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with right now. I am sending up every prayer for comfort and health I can think of for you and your daughter. I pray you soon have good news to share.
Posted by: Alisha at October 5, 2004 10:51 PMHolding your family in pray, Rae. Hope everything's okay!
Posted by: pam at October 6, 2004 06:05 AMThank you everyone. We are still in a state of not knowing enough specifics, but that will hopefully change soon.
Posted by: Rae at October 6, 2004 11:00 AMI'll be praying for your daughter.
Posted by: Ith at October 7, 2004 01:52 PMThank you, Ith :) Hey! I have missed you (and just to let you know, I finally got to a Sephora, and....I was like a kid in a candy store :)
Posted by: Rae at October 7, 2004 09:12 PMYou may get to see me in person soon :)
I knew you'd adore Sephora!
Posted by: Ith at October 11, 2004 07:11 PM
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HammerHead
