My latest computer woes have forced me into the halls of the Bill Gates pantheons established across the country. I don't particularly enjoy it, and when the big boxes began arriving at libraries, I questioned it as I preferred that kids and adults use the tomes on the shelves, not peruse chat rooms and on-line gaming. But, look who has benefited from such generosity? Nothing like experience to keep one humble.

When we arrive, I typically grab one of those scooting stools and begin to find books that I deem appropriate for my younger girls. The older ones are off searching the stacks for sequels, fantasy, biography, and history. Sometimes the librarians and I casually talk while I search and other times they make suggestions. Last week, K came home with one that the librarian suggested for her. Mercedes and the Chocolate Pilot: A True Story of the Berlin Airlift and the Candy That Dropped from the Sky. This child's picture book is a warm story of one Air Force pilot's determination to bring some "sweetness" into the lives of the children of East Berlin during Stalin's attempt at a European takover three years after World War II ended. It was a lovely picture book, but it also piqued my curiousity about the Berlin Airlift. It also was telling of a few weak areas of my own historical knowledge. There are several areas of weakness in my historical knowledge: post WWII Europe; Cuban history; and that of the establishment of the state of Israel. I intend to do some reading to strengthen my education.

The back of the book provides an interesting biography of Lt. Col. Gail Halvorsen and about the Airlift itself. Guess which neighboring European country opted out of the mission of benevolence? The same one that benefitted from our country saving it from a communist take over. The same one that always seems to find a reason to disagree with international humanitarian efforts or proactive elimination of terrorism. The same one that John Kerry thinks we should be able to engage at the global table.

Yes, well, some people rather like beating a dead horse, I guess.

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sup! sista!

today's entry was very appropriate. We have recently returned from our four day stay in Boston which is an incredible city despite it being Kerryland (HeinzVille). We have been analyzing the Big Dig area of Boston which is where I93 an elevated highway which severed the North End district from the City Center is being dismantled and moved underground. Our new project is a proposal for a new North End Branch Library to fill one of the voids left by covering the highway. You crack me up, "When I learned the limit was ten per card, I immediately applied for a card for each of my four daughters, thus raising our weekly intake to fifty." I have formed the same relationship with the students working at our architecture library which is conveniently located in our building. short side note: at somepoint in the fifty's the main librarian wanted the architecture library in the main library and they took all the books over there. this architecture student that loved the library began checking out books and taking them back to the library in the architecture building. then the cops would come and take them back and he would do it all over again until the school got so tired of the whole ordeal they realized they really belonged in the architecture building. The librarian always lets me take an extra 26th or 27th book, okay i don't read them all, but i look at all the pictures. talk to you soon

what be goin on in yo house?

i had to let you now about some politically satirical videos for you to watch. my friends and i have been watching them for a week or so and i have been meaning to tell you. i saw one tonight and almost decided to call you since its only midnight there. but the morning will be soon enough for laughs. here's the url's:

http:/whitehousewest.com = will farrell george bush

www.jibjab.com = as seen on Jay Leno tonight show

let me know what you think, the frank sinatra thing was great

Our library has a wonderful online catalog and you can recheck your books using it. I always recheck once (the limit) so I have the books for 6 weeks. Then I usually keep them an extra week and pay fines. (At this point I check out additional books for the next 7 weeks.)

I told the guy behind the desk that this was how I supported the library and he encouraged me to check out more books.

i just don't feel right if i don't find my weekly overdue notice from the library in the mail box, and the library is just down one flight of stairs.

Check it out- http://www.politicalcompass.org/

But I always get CAUGHT people watching. If you're really good, you're perfected the instant breakaway, where you pretend you're glancing airily around the room, but after 3 or 4x it becomes obvious. I mean, I ALWAYS get caught

Ladies and Knights, me brother...Hey :D Thanks for reading and commenting. Shhhhh! Don't tell mother, I don't think she could handle it.

Sounds like your trip was truly educational. Will be looking for those house plans as soon as you muster them up.

Jibjab is one of my favorite producing teams on the web.

When are you and "Ann" getting yourselves out here to the desert to see us?

Jeff- I HATE getting caught! It does happen occasionally, but I think for some reason, people are less likely to give a woman glancing or looking their direction the evil eye. Men are so much more threatening.

KoF- we donate to our library in the way of fines, too. The director loves our family and when we moved from Missouri, the director of the county system was a personal friend. She teased about how she was going to pay the electric bill now that we had moved away ;)

Nick, hi there!

Thanks for helping Rae stay with me longer when my husband was in Africa. I was very grateful to have her with me! Thanks again,I really appreciate it!

Kris

So much time was spent taking in other people's habits and mannerisms (partly for self-preservation) and it was so encouraged and affirmed by my parents, that no time was taken to analyze myself; to understand and know who I was. Examination of one's soul and motives wasn't prioritized in that house. It was easier to go about one's day criticizing others and pointing fingers in every direction but self. Despite this my mother produced two extremely introspective analytical children. The preponderance of conversations between my brother and I over the past several years have been an attempt to help him reconcile her humanity with her mothering. Trying to help him put it all together has been a bit like purchasing a puzzle at a yard sale. No guarantee that all the pieces are there. He is learning, as I have had to do, to look to whom the other three fingers are pointing.

Yesterday was a Jack Nicholson day. Oh most definitely not in front of my babes, but in conversations with Kris (When I told R, he asked if the profanity was included in my mimicry. My first thought was, how could it be Jack without it? So a confession to a contextual use of swearing). Jack represents subtle crazed anger and anxiety to me; a steely sense of "losing it." You know, that permanently pissed-off demeanor wrapped comfortably in cutting sarcastic wit and trimmed with four-letter words. I was able to play his character, make Kris laugh, and rid myself of possible public catastrophic eruptions.

In Blade Runner, Deckard questions his wife's decision to program herself for, twice a month, three hours of hopelessness and despair. He can't understand her desire to experience what he sees as unnecessary sadness. I can relate to her. It may be unresolved issues from my childhood. Could be a lack of faith that I chose to allow myself to feel despondent. Perhaps it is my natural tendency toward the contemplative and melancholic. Whatever the cause, when I sense it creeping up on the back of my heart, I don't always shoo it away like a stray dog. It finds a warm hearth to cool within me. I like feeling sad; I love jumping into the puddle of self-pity and wallowing for awhile. Not because it makes me appreciate being "happy" but because it simply feels good to dirty myself with all those feelings deemed unacceptable to the American culture.

Most of my adult life I have given heroic efforts to overcome my childhood. But there are occasions when I allow the herb of narcissim to flavor the soup. When I look at the obvious innocence of my girls; their happiness and naiveté, I wish it upon the little girl that sometimes comes out of the shadows of my heart to do impersonations for a smile.

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Great, and revealing, post. Thanks so much for sharing this Rae.

Ohhh, sad puh. Wish I could have been a big, bad older brother to you, and could have opened up lots of cans of whoop-ass on all the pervs (and perhaps performing a Lorena Bobbitt as needed,) and a can of wake-up on your mother.

But I'm glad that I can still at least, open lots of cans of unconditional love for you now. :)

Gads, how difficult this must have been for you to write.

I've been told enough times in my lifetime that I'm a natural mimic to relate to this post, very much.

The only thing I can do is offer the virtual hugs and echo the unconditional love thingie up there.

{{{{ xoxo }}}}}

It's always amazing to me to hear people's tales of growing up. Makes me realize how resilient we can be in the face of adversity.

Good for you! And thank you for sharing part of yourself with us.

Oh Wow. I almost stopped reading because you were making me sad. But something in me just had to read on. So glad I did. I don't know if it is the rain pouring down outside, but I got the goose bumps over how deliciously melancholic that was. Beautiful writing...deeply emtional to read. I can relate to the need for a little unprovoked sadness every now and again. Thanks for providing the doorway (by sharing your wounds) to a realm that I secretly love to enter too! Now back to the rain...

Kadi- I think it is truly emotionally healthy to allow ourselves to feel sadness. Why the pressure to always feel "happy?" But ignore or push aside the feelings of woe?

Glad that I could compliment your rainy day :D

How are ya?

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful words.

It is great to see the Marines who have completed their tour come off the line. Most are now out of day-to-day operations and you can literally see the relief and the letting down as they wait for their flight out. It is hard to believe how much they have done in the past 3 years. Some of the Marines just finishing up their first contract have three combat tours under their belts (one in Afghanistan and two in Iraq). A few of these guys will be in college next year and they will look like any other freshman sitting in class. The rest of the students will have no idea what a hero the guy sitting next them is.

As you have seen from the news, Fallujah is reaching critical mass. Actually nothing has changed except for the fact that there apparently is the will to do what has to be done. We will see. The Marines are ready and the only thing they worry about is the backbone of the decision makers. If we are told to take the town again, we just cannot be ordered to stop like last time.

Shortly after my last letter to you, we took some incoming and lost a great man. It was a one in a million shot but just happened to hit in very place where Kevin Shea was sitting. Kevin was the first guy that I met when I arrived at the Regiment. He was a very big guy who actually went to the Air Force Academy where he played defensive end. His lost his 20/20 vision while at the academy and was told he could not fly. Kevin crossed over to the Marine Corps and accepted his commission as a Second Lieutenant. He played rugby with the Marines and had a very full career as a communications officer. Shortly after arriving to the fleet, he deployed for the Gulf War. When he returned, he did a tour with Force Reconnaissance. Following that, he worked in a joint command conducting special operations. Over here, he proved his bravery time and time again during firefights and leading Marines. Like I said, he had a full career.

Regardless of all of his operational experiences, clearly the one that he loved and talked about the most was being stationed at the Naval Academy.

He was an instructor who became fast friends with the guy that I wrote you about a few weeks ago. In fact, Kevin made such a mark at the Naval Academy that he was made an honorary member of the class of 2003. I cannot accurately describe the impact he had on Marines. I would call him a natural leader but that would undermine how hard he worked at it.

He was also a fun loving guy who was such a gentlemen and so honest that it made him a target for our practical jokes. Last spring we got one of the special operators that are around to go up to him in the chow hall and tell him that he had "read his file" and was interested in recruiting him. Kevin was a frustrated operator and wanted nothing more than to be an "action guy" even though he was seeing plenty of action. The caveat was that we got the guy to tell him that he had to lose some weight fast and that he could not tell anyone about it. Sparky and I watched as Kevin ate salad and worked out with a fury. We would ask him what was up and he would just say "nothing" as he scraped the extra salad dressing off his lettuce.

Kevin did not suffer in the end. We were to him within seconds of the blast and he was gone. It is hard to believe because the guy was a mountain of a man who was an anchor for the Regiment. Kevin was posthumously promoted to Lt Col. Col Toolan just turned over the Regiment the morning Kevin was hit.

He flew to Dover to escort Kevin home. Sparky went back to DC to be with them. Kevin left a wife and two young children who no doubt could use all the prayers in the world.

Please tell Steve when you talk with him next that I received all of the well wishes from United and sincerely appreciate each and every one of them.

Love,

Dave

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The casinos are considerably less crowded at 10 A.M. than 10 P.M. Convexly, the Starbucks line is longer at 10 A.M. than 10 P.M.

The diversity of ethnicities was refreshing to see after living in Lily-White-Land for so long.

I laughed sooooo hard while racing my friend E on the go-carts. I am surprised I didn't swallow a bug! That was the best spent $5 of the weekend.

The beds in 3 star hotels are just as fun to jump on as the ones with lesser stars and when tired, just as comfortable.

Read and liked this quote found in this month's Vanity Fair: "A woman wearing no perfume has no future." -French poet Paul Valery

Garden State was luminous and surreal. Rarely do I want to watch a film twice, but this one I will see again. The soundtrack is on my wishlist. I first read about this film in a Newsweek review of films shown at the Sundance Film Festival (something that I plan on attending before leaving Utah). Zach Braff has proven himself a serious writer and director (and a very funny blogger, too). I hope for more from this talented man.

Maria Full of Grace was moving, thought-provoking, sad.

Perhaps had we known that Before Sunset was a sequel to the 1995 film Before Sunrise, it might have made more sense and caught our interest. While the minimal scene changes was a bit boring, and at times it felt like the audience was eavesdropping on a conversation at the next table, some of the thoughts expressed between the characters were interesting.

Napoleon Dynamite was hysterical! My understanding is that Jon Heder (plays Napoleon) wrote the film while a student at BYU.

Dodgeball wasn't nearly as funny as I anticipated and however much she tries, Ben Stiller's wife, Christine Taylor, still looks like Marcia to me.

Steve Martin's newest novella The Pleasure of My Company finally came out in paperback. Hardback is my typical faire, but I couldn't bring myself to pay $23.95 for a 163 page book. I had been waiting a human gestation for this. I am beginnning to wonder if Steve Martin writes so well about neurosis because he understands it firsthand. The book was entertaining and kept my interest with a glimpse into the life Of Daniel Pecan Cambridge, your average OCD Californian transplant. However, this effort, much like the first, seemed rushed at the end. It's like Mr. Martin looks up and realizes his deadline is in two hours. Somewhere this weekend I caught that a film is being made of Shopgirl. I hope they adjust the drive-through ending or I think the audience will be disappointed. I did enjoy reading this by the pool late Sunday afternoon while E swam laps. The sound of water moving always pacifies my soul.

Spending time talking with, listening to, laughing with one of the few people on this earth who knows my heart and holds it carefully, attentively, and as something valued and precious and knows it to be reciprocated was immeasurably wonderful. Thank you, E.

As it is now around midnight and we have a long day tomorrow of driving, consultations, and possibly more tests, I think I am gonna attempt to lie in my bed and not sleep for a few hours....

(Entirely undedited)

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Great report from Vegas. Good to see you back blogging.

I have been praying for everyone in your fam. Kris and I are very concerned. I feel like your girls are our girls and so if you can I am anxious to hear any news.

I'm glad you had a great time in Vegas. After this move, I may need to go. It's been hell.
Amy

I've only been in Vegas once, and that was on a layover to a redeye to Minneapolis.

It was 2:00 AM.
It was the busiest airport I have EVER seen, and I've been in a lot of busy airports from Europe to the USA.

The place was so busy, I had a 3 hour layover, and my flight was not on ANY of the boards, becasue there were so many flights ahead of me.

I was miserable.

Sounds like you had a fab time in Vegas with your friend. Good for you!

Been about 6 years since I've been. Think we may be heading there in January.

Vegas is awesome. Or I'm a kitsch-obsessed geek. Or both.

The first time I saw a formal wear only store was in Nevada, in Carson City, on a family trip. I realized all these beautiful dresses were in the windows everywhere, that people actually BOUGHT and WORE these extravagant things! I was such a tomboy, yet was stunned by the glamour and glimmer of all those fancy dresses.

So of course, when I finally went to Vegas as an adult, I wore something a tad towards the fromal side to a show, with that memory in mind. ;)

Jo, I think this is the first time you have commented, yes? Welcome :)

I was knocked out by some of the things that people were wearing (E and I were much more casually dressed)! It looked fun, but more uncomfortable than I was willing to put up with.

Thank you, Randy :)

This is the hardest part of parenting: the unexpected. I knew that I would have a baby awakening every two hours to nurse. I knew that diapers would be disgusting; that there would be scraped knees and perhaps a broken arm; an occasional stitch. I knew that they would both fight with one another and fiercely defend each other against outsiders. I knew that they would want to play before working; that they would go out to the van dressed in Sunday best only to be detoured by the inviting mud puddle. I knew that friends would let them down; I knew they would challenge my authority and my opinions and make me prove myself respectable before they would respect me. I know that their hearts may break in love; that they might receive a less than admirable grade on a college exam; that their major will change with the wind; that they will love passionately and be loved in reciporcal manner. These things the heart of a mother envisions. The thought of disease or disablement never come into her secret room. They are banned at the door and relegated to the room marked "Never." Oh, I may have contemplated my own reaction when comforting a friend but you just don't know until it is you waiting for a phone call; for test results; for finality; for answers.

I have had these thoughts the last few days of living life in reverse- undancing our steps of life together; the earth raining rather than the clouds; our bodies moving in that funny rewind style; food being unconsummed. It culminates in her being delivered back into my body and to my womb where she is safe and always comfortable. Perhaps even divided back to ovum and sperm so that the thought of her existence is tucked neatly and secretly away in our bodies, undiscernable to anyone but her father and I.

I should be receiving a phone call this afternoon. Friday meant school, Spanish, piano lessons. Today it means: call...call...call...call.

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Ah, a mother's loving heart. [Start Fond Rememberance]

When I was 8 years old, I discovered a rather painful growth under my left ear. It was more then just an annoyance, it was the source of a crippling pain whenever I participated in something physically demanding (running, jogging, soccer, etc.)

We went to doctor after doctor and received no real answers to the problem. ("Its a swollen gland, give it 'some time' and it will go away on its own.") It was not until 5 years later that one doctor suggested that I undergo surgery to remove this mysterious "thing" in my neck. (Of course, we researched this solution until we realized it was indeed a last but necessary resort)

So at the age of 13, I went under the knife (I, of course was unafraid of death, as I was ignorant of danger. My parents were not as unwise.)

After SIX hours of surgery, I left the operating room and it was revealed that this mass of nastiness was indeed a cancer, and was removed from my body.

I don't know how Mom was able to stay so sane. Her baby was seriously ill, and just underwent major surgery. She spent every night at my side in the hospital, sleeping on a glorified, yet uncomfortable, easy chair for almost a week. As the days went on, it was clear I was going to be alright, but it was a mother's love (even when I didn't want it) which made a big difference.

Bless your mother's heart, Rae. Together, you and your daughter will make it throught this trial and tribulation.

I was 14 when my aunt died of Leukemia. At age 16 - I was in a "health" class. We were to call a local hospital's Answer phone line. We had been given a list of diseases, colds, etc. and we had to select a few to listen to and write up summaries - symptoms, causes, possible cures.

Simply because I'd already done much research on Leukemia, I hit that one. Surprisingly, at that point, I had some of the symptoms.

I worried and wondered for days. I resolved I wouldn't tell my parents. I figured it would have devastated my mother and my father wouldn't have kept that a secret from her.

She could tell something was wrong, but I wouldn't tell her. Many tears and shouts. I finally told her. Turned out not to be Leukemia but simply coincidence. Phew.

In junior high I knew a girl who had a lump. She was fairly well endowed even at that age. I think she was told to put a heating pad on it for so long each day. Before biopsies, I guess. It simply went away, from what I remember.

My prayers are going up for your family that all is well.

Wow- Jeremy! What a story! What a blessing to have such an advocating mother. Thanks also for your thoughts and prayers.

GB- I diagnose myself as having something everytime I have a headache :) But, when you really do face the real possibilty, it is so much more frigthening....

oops- GB, meant to thank you also for your prayers :0

Praying for my darling goddaughter and my dearest friend also.

Hi Rae. You all have my prayers big time. You express a reflection of God's heart that is very beautiful even in times of distress. Thanks for "bearing His Image" in a way that turns the painful events in this world into symbols of His guiding love.

Just please tell me that onw of my nieces (which ever one it might be) will be alright.... Rae...I don't know what to say, just please God let her be okay. I love you all very much!

Praying from here.

Oh, Rae, I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with right now. I am sending up every prayer for comfort and health I can think of for you and your daughter. I pray you soon have good news to share.

Holding your family in pray, Rae. Hope everything's okay!

Thank you everyone. We are still in a state of not knowing enough specifics, but that will hopefully change soon.

I'll be praying for your daughter.

Thank you, Ith :) Hey! I have missed you (and just to let you know, I finally got to a Sephora, and....I was like a kid in a candy store :)

You may get to see me in person soon :)

I knew you'd adore Sephora!