I hold her head, cupped in my hands one last time, put my lips to hers, inhale the last of her warm, damp breath, her beautiful hair between my fingers soft and fine, the muscles and tendons connecting her head to her neck softly limp, her chest no longer rising, and as I loose my hold on the vessel of the most passionate, searing, inviting and challenging flame to illuminate the space between the reality of else and the place we call our own, the last, regretful beckoning sigh departs her mouth, pillowcase wrinkling, crinkling under her unpressured weight, and I walk my fingertips across her yellowed cheeks, pressing the color back to normal for a moment, kiss her eyelids, the side of her nose, her parted lips still moist but breathless once more and again, touch her swollen ankles, rub the inside of her thigh just above her left knee, clasp her hand and pull myself close against her. She is still warm. And soft. And gone. And I tell her that I have loved her forever.

She never said goodbye.

Found here.

« Hide the rest of Updated: Please comment. There is

---

Wonderful, heartwarming words Rae. Thank you so much. I look forward to "seeing" you and many others tomorrow.

by Greg on March 31, 2005 11:28 PM

---

I posted about it again Greg, hopefully my moron readers can follow simple directions and leave a comment.

by Hector Vex on April 1, 2005 11:23 AM

---

« Hide Comments!

1) Let's remember that emotional abuse is a lot harder to prove than physical abuse. It's especially difficult for a teenager who has lived with vitriolic language every day to see this as being quite the wrong that it is. And to describe psychological torture to the authorities is difficult as well. The reaction is very likely to be "hm, she said that? Why, young lady—she must have been at her wit's end. Whatever did you do to push her to that point?"

And if the teenager in question has misbehaved in any way—if she's acted out in the least—she'll probably hang her head and say, "well, I got a D in a class."

"There you are," the judge will say, kindly but sternly. "You must stop provoking her." Case dismissed.

This can be true, LMA, and certainly was in many situations for myself. I often look back at the people who were my mother's friends and in whose eyes I saw scorn and wonder how in the world they were so hoodwinked by my mother's dazzling personality. When I meet a precocious young adult who seems bent on pissing off every person in authority, I immediately question what kind of authority lit their stack of wood. However, I do know that the courts are faithful to assign psychological counseling, and it can be gagged, if there is any question as to why a teenager is acting out. I don't know that many people in such precious positions of judgment just hand out a finger-wagging in favor of the parents. I don't deny that it happens, especially when the kid comes from a well-to-do family (like I did). People are far more manipulated by money than they realize. I recall when Columbine occurred and my neighbor couldn't believe that such atrocities would come from such affluent families. I snorted loudly and proceeded to give her a piece of my past. Her comment wasn't completely surprising as I had watched for several years while she placed all her faith for good parenting in the amount of money she was able to procure in order to purchase things that would automatically generate "good children."

So, to not allow for parental consent because of fear that some judge would verbally spank the girl for being naughty isn't logical or profound enough to support keeping parents in ignorance.

2) It's also important to keep in mind that a lot of parents are in favor of abortions, especially for their young daughters! I think a lot of pro-life parents are so busy over-identifying with these parents (and wondering, horrified, if their own kids might ever sneak out and get an abortion themselves) that they lose track of this essential fact. Had I gotten pregnant two years earlier, the pressure on me to terminate would have doubled. I truly believe that the main pressures on young women to have this done come from a) boyfriends and husbands, and b) parents.

Your parental notification law will help you sleep better, but it probably won't reduce abortions.

I agree, LMA. Most parents are in favor of abortions, and I have been privy to some of those parents decision making processes. Unfortunately, I have seen that the heaviest weight in the measure was the saving of reputations as having been "good parents" and coming in a close second was saving the reputation of their daughter. I think you commented on "the site" that initiated this discussion that many women, younger or not, choose abortion because it keeps them from branded.

I won't throw a blanket over all parents. I do think that some encourage and support an abortion for their daughters because they truly believe it is the best thing to do.

I have also witnessed the opposite: parents being supportive of a young woman carrying the child to birth and then giving the baby up for adoption. One young woman with whom R and I were briefly acquainted told us that she would rather wonder about her living child than live without hope and wonder.

Health professionals are also guilty of bestowing the scarlet letter. When I was 21 and delivering E on the charity of the Catholic hospital (due to loss of benefits when R was no longer considered "active duty" although a veteran, but those thoughts will be saved for another day) the treatment I received was far different than when I was 30 and I was delivering K with the help of private insurance. The nurses the first time were condescending and treated me like I was an ignorant idiot. Not all of them, but several. It astounded them that I didn't take drugs, was married to the father, didn't smoke or drink, wanted to nurse, had already planned a post-partum birth control method of the diaphragm, and had nine semesters of college under my belt with full intentions to complete my degree. The sister of a friend experienced the same prejudice when she delivered her first daughter using Medicaid. She thought having obstetrical care and a safe delivery at the expense of the tax dollars she had paid since 16 was better than having none at all.

I also agree that parental notification probably won't reduce the number of abortions. I just don't see it as inherently preventative.

3) Parental notification laws are a cop out for parents. If you want your daughter to trust you, it behooves you to be trustworthy. If you want her to anticipate that you will be supportive when she's having a hard time, the best way to guarantee that is to show her that during other hard times. If all she expects from you is judgment, then you need to examine your parenting style, rather than expecting the state to bail you out.

Well-said, LMA. As the mother of four daughters and one of them a 13 year-old, I can say quite from experience, that it can be very challenging to "seek first to understand, then to be understood" or to be "quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." I am fast being induced to listening without attempting to solve or pigeonhole. It is a hard transition to the "coach-friend" stage where we come alongside our growing human beings as a trusted confidant rather than a feared bobby. It doesn't remove our prerogative as parents to hold our kids to account for their choices, nor does it excuse those that compromise good parenting in the name of being their child's friend.

4) Girls and women do die during abortions. But let's be fair: they also die during childbirth. Two or three women die every day in this country due to pregnancy complications. Even here in the U.S. we haven't entirely removed the risk. There are risks either way, and if you haven't ever heard a "birth horror story," you might be spending too much side gathering data from only one side of the fence.

I think the birth horror stories to which RWS was referring were those women that when faced with the choice of abortion or delivering their child, rarely do those whom chose to deliver the child have a story of guilt, depression, or profound regret. Although, on your point, you are correct that there are both risks for either abortion or carrying a pregnancy to term. For a developed country, our stillbirth rate is atrocious, but stillbirths and "birth horror stories" aren't limited to young, adolescent, female bodies attempting to give birth. I know you know that, but just a counterpoint.

Both sides are guilty of presenting evidence that sways heavily in their favor; however, I sincerely have seen in my own personal experience and still believe that the pro-abortion movement leaves out much information in order to more effectively persuade a young woman to choose abortion. The numbers consistently show that more white, middle to upper-middle class women, aged 18-24 get abortions. These women are influenced to think that they simply cannot sacrifice a college education for rearing a child. It amazes me that when a woman does have a child, we fight for her to get all the Federal benefits she can, but when she is contemplating abortion, we never say, "Have the child. There are plenty of programs out there to aid you financially."

My 13 year-old daughter who, no matter what people try to insist otherwise, is not $exually active, and hasn't even ki$$ed a boy (though I won't be ignorant and assert she hasn't and doesn't think about or anticipate it), can hardly manage her emotions well-enough to get along with her sisters. She sometimes stresses out when having to make a choice between outfits. I simply cannot imagine her having an abortion and being able to deal with the emotional weight of it. Nor would I want her support to come from her friends or some equally emotionally immature boy. And I most definitely don't want it to come from someone who doesn't know her from the next girl in the waiting room, but presents the pretense of "understanding." I find it incredibly subversive to the rights I have as a parent to guide, educate, protect, and provide for my child.

I am the one who conceived her. I am the one who gave birth to her. I am the one who nourished her from my own body, both inside and out, for 22 months. I am the one who has sheltered, feed, clothed, educated, and loved her. No one holds the health, physical or emotional, of my daughter as her highest priority and most humble calling than I. No one is a better advocate for her than myself. No one.

Some may argue that while it's just great that my daughter is loved and cared for, but that there are many who aren't, so what about them? Show me a situation where a young girl has been forced by her parents to deliver a child she didn't want to deliver, and I am not talking about "back in the day." As soon as a young woman showed any resistence to such an "aggrievement," Planned Parenthood via the ACLU and NOW would take up her battle cry. She could receive protected anonymity; Norma McCorvey didn't reveal her identity until the 1980's and it was by her own doing.

Parents can be sued for the misbehavior of their children. They can be held accountable for the debt incurred by their children. The 17 year-old daughter of a friend couldn't even get holes poked into her ears without a parent physically present to be witnessed signing consent. When my 13 year-old had a breast biopsy, I had to give my permission to allow the operation. I had to state that I understood both the purpose and the risks of such an undertaking. I had to commit to follow-up visits to ensure healthy recovery. She has to be reminded daily to wear her elastics and to floss her teeth. Make it to a post-abortion appointment?

I find it incredible that I should find it acceptable that my daughter can go to a clinic, be anesthetized without my permission, have her cervix dilated without my permission, a vacuum inserted into her dilated cervix and the "contents" of her cervix sucked out. I don't think this acceptable whether a parent is pro-life or pro-abortion. I also find it deplorable and unacceptable that someone else should be allowed to guide her tenuous mental and emotional state before, during, and after such an operation.

I am for parental notification simply because as a parent, I have the right to know and be involved in the life of my child, whether she wants me to be or not.

« Hide the rest of Parental Rights

---

Nicely said. Plenty to think about, here.

by Attila Girl on March 16, 2005 02:17 PM

---

"I am the one who conceived her. I am the one who gave birth to her. I am the one who nourished her from my own body, both inside and out, for 22 months. I am the one who has sheltered, feed, clothed, educated, and loved her. No one holds the health, physical or emotional, of my daughter as her highest priority and most humbling calling than I. No one is a better advocate for her than myself. No one."

I couldn't put it better myself -- thanks for articulating this truth so well.

by Carrie K. on March 16, 2005 02:43 PM

---

Well, your personal story had me crying. Now my makeup is all messed up...Thanks..;-)
One organization I have worked with..The Nurturing Network realizes that most abortions occur with women just like you and they cater to that.

The thing is, as we all know, our hormones go nuts and then add morning sickness and all the fear, so many women just choose that "easy way." and no one in the family knows the difference. Or the boyfriend is not as loving as yours was.

I found in counseling that most girls just want SOMEONE to say that this isn't the end of the world and that someone will be there to support them. Truly, this is what most of them needed. My personal experience had most parents upset at first, but supportive when talked to. (But I live in Texas, so maybe a more pro-life view here, I don't know)

One more thought about parental notification. The teen years are hard between moms and daughters even if they have had a great relationship. A young girl may just not want to disappoint. Or have a boyfriend insisting. WE all remember how we were influenced at that time in our lives. Depending on having the "values instilled" doesn't always work when there is so much pressure and fear.

by Rightwingsparkle on March 16, 2005 03:28 PM

---

You have a true gift of words, Rae. Although I agree with you on the entire matter, I never thought about how I would debate this touchy subject. You know me, debate is a weakness I have, but I am getting better, thanks to you.

"Lucky" for me, I abstained during my high school and college years (clarify-intercour$e) because of two examples that scared me enough to keep my pants on.

by Amy Jo on March 17, 2005 10:58 AM

---

LMA- thank you. Thanks also for providing an engaging springboard.

Carrie K- Thank you, too.

RWS- true. So we must keep talking and being a part of their lives, even in discreet ways, so they know that we are trustworthy. "Be what you want to see."

Amy Jo- "There but for the grace of God go I." I know what you mean.

by Rae on March 17, 2005 12:33 PM

---

Rae-bestos,
Studies prove that parental notification laws reduce abortion rates. I think part of the reason is because girls have a stronger reason to say 'no' to sex if the stakes of pregnancy are higher. In that way, parental notification laws have a teaching effect.
Research also shows that all youth risk behavior (smoking, drinking, sexual activity, drug use and violent behavior) are all reduced by kids percieving a sense of "connectedness" with their parent(s) and with their schools. This is great news because it means that parents are very able to affect the behavior of their children.
Parental notification laws have their flaws because they are broad rules of public policy and, with most laws, do not take into account all the potential circumstances that may arise.
Most parents believe that they have a right to direct the medical care of their unemancipated children. Party because they are on the hook financially and relationally should complications arise.
In Kansas, the Attorney General is investigating how Planned Parenthood and abortion clinics have aided and covered up crimes of sexual abuse against minor girls. In those cases, the clinics themselves are guilty of a crime.
Abortion is at its most fundamental level an exploitation of women. Anything, including parental notifcation laws, that can reduce the exploitation of women is a positive thing.
Pdub

by pdubdc on March 24, 2005 04:18 PM

---

« Hide Comments!

Earlier in the week, we had stopped over in our former town to visit and attend church. It was the first time I would see our former assitant pastor. He found out this past summer that he had a massive brain tumor that was compressing much of the nerves to the right side of his face. After several doctors examined him, it was concluded that surgery was the only, yet still unsure option. When I saw his face- his wonderful kind face drooping and unemotional, I couldn't stop the tears. I hugged him for a long time. I then told him that I was sorry for crying, it was just so difficult to see him like this. He told me that it was humbling to have to ask "Am I drooling?" It made me mouth widen into a grin and the taste of warm salt slipped into my mouth. We concluded our brief visit with a laugh and I committed to praying for him and his family.

Later, as the quiet of the van and the repetitive sound of the road home filled me, I began to think about something from a new perspective. I recalled when Jesus was so tired that he had his disciples row him out into the middle of the lake. I had always understood that as a physical need. This time, I felt that I understood it differently. That perhaps, when he saw the faded father-in-laws, the drooped cheek from a tumor, the gnarled hand of a niece, the arthritic back of a grandmother, that He being omnipotent, was grieved by their physical discomfort and pain. Grieved and saddened to the point of utter exhaustion, he experienced the emotional and spiritual evaporation that is caused by seeing the suffering of someone who is endeared to another. This was the physical affect of sin in the world. When Jesus saw the people, they weren't just people, they were someone particular, like my father-in-law and my former pastor and His heart felt the burden of their physical pain and discomfort and saw how it trampled those they loved, as well.

Thinking of this made me review how He felt when someone came to Him and He saw their "sin." He saw it as crippling and weighted. He wanted to extend forgiveness to lift that burden that was suffocating their spirit and stiffling the life out of them. He did so out of compassion. His compassion moves and motivates me. That I might have the true compassion of Jesus is my single prayer/resolution for the New Year. I want to have the eyes of Christ who sees with full understanding, mercy, and the grace to extend to another falliable human being.

This counts as my last post for the year 2004. I will return after New Year's Day, 2005. Blessings of the compassion of Christ, the strength of God to navigate the deep waters you will encounter this year, and the wind of His hope to fill the sails of your life and refresh your soul.

« Hide the rest of Making it Real

---

Great post! It does make me sad to see the elderly and worry about if their family visits or if they have family left to visit and care about them.

Makes me thankful that my parents are in good health.

Happy New Year!

by GrumpyBunny on December 27, 2004 09:20 AM

---

I've been reading for a while now, but my first time commenting.
Every year, while my husband's grandmother was in a nursing home, on Mother's Day he would take a bucket of roses to the home and hand out a rose to each woman there (whether or not they were an mother) He said it made every single one of the women smile. Now, even though his grandmother is gone, he still goes on Mother's Day and hands out roses. Such a little thing, but it means so much to all of them.

by Marsha on December 28, 2004 02:01 AM

---

Hi, Marsha. Thanks for commenting :)

That sounds like a wonderful idea. Thank you for sharing it.

GB- how are you, haven't seen you in awhile...

by Rae on December 28, 2004 03:19 PM

---

First Kris, and now you. . . *sigh*

While I'm disappointed, of course, I am happy for you and your decision--and pray it will be a blessing in your life.

Grace and peace,
TulipGirl

by TulipGirl on December 29, 2004 02:08 AM

---

« Hide Comments!

It included placing Oklahoma, and Nebraska after that, then Tennessee, all without any neighboring states for a referent. Only Nebraska was off at all, and everything else just clicked right in. Have fun!

« Hide the rest of Homeschooling Aid

---

WOW! This test didn't really cut any slack! My mess up was R.I. had no idea in New England where she went.

I think I'll let my kids play it today. Thanks for the link.

by Amy Jo on December 21, 2004 06:57 AM

---

First time: 88%, Avg Error: 16 miles, Time: 194 Seconds.

I thought that was pretty good.

by King of Fools on December 21, 2004 07:24 AM

---

I might need a 12-step program for this thing :)

by Ben on December 21, 2004 04:01 PM

---

90% (I was very annoyed because it was sooooo specific about the placement), Avg. Error: 12 miles and 444 seconds (while fielding questions and hugs from my children who desperately missed me).

I am going to send my personal cartographer over to do this one...

Off to attempt for time....

by Rae on December 22, 2004 11:48 AM

---

O.K. 96%. Avg. Error: 3 miles and all done in 199 seconds.

That's better.

Thanks for the fun link, Nate.

by Rae on December 22, 2004 11:53 AM

---

Better for time (143 sec) avg. for score (93%) and worse for miles (15).

So, I am officially in second. That is until the Master Cartographer (R) comes in and teaches me a lesson :D

by Rae on December 22, 2004 11:57 AM

---

not the game to play at work, it kept yelling NO! GREAT! YEAH! i need some work to do, you can only google around the internet so long before you lose it!

by NICK on December 22, 2004 02:12 PM

---

Ok, finally got 100%. It helped that California came before Nevada. Time was 152 seconds. This was on my 321st try or something like that.

Alas, now I'm on to other challenges. My past career as a trucking company fleet manager and sales coordinator was very helpful here.

Merry Christmas.

by Ben on December 23, 2004 01:57 PM

---

diabetic insulin diabetic supplies american diabetes association diabetes diet diabetic diet insulin pumps juvenile diabetes symptoms of diabetes diabetes equipment glucose meter syringes lifescan http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/american.diabetes.association.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/diabetic.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/diabetic-supplies.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/diabetes.symptoms.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/diabetes_diet.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/diabetic_diet.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/juvenile_diabetes.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/symptoms-of-diabetes.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/insulin.htm http://www.diabetic-care-supplies.com/insulin-pumps.htm

by diabetic supplies on September 19, 2005 04:52 PM

---

« Hide Comments!

In 1969, a fresh faced 18 year old girl was beginning "real life." She had attended a year of college after graduating with honors from her tiny Oklahoma high school. She had been both a star basketball player and a cheerleader. She was well-known for being nice and friendly.

Her first year of college introduced her to new and exciting people. One of them, an older guy pursuing, the perpetual fifth year senior, was from her same small town. He was five years older than she, so they had only known of each other in passing. He asked her out. She said yes. He was older, good-looking, intelligent and most of all, he was getting out of Nowheresville.

She had never intended on staying in that town. She had plans. First, her undergraduate in Political Science. Then her Juris Doctor. Then on to a fabulous law career. She was smart and pretty with milk chocolate brown eyes, a nice smile, and dark brown hair.

They didn't date long, but long enough for her test to come back positive. She was pregnant. And what did girls do who were pregnant outside of marriage in 1969? Beat it to the nearest preacher with man in tow. They got a license and an apartment in the same day. Of course, now that she was married and expecting, she didn't need to continue her schooling. The girl fought that, though, and enrolled in the fall semester. It was early late June and the baby wasn't due until February. She would take winter term off and then re-enroll for the summer. He would help keep baby while she attended classes.

Only, he had a few undisclosed problems that their short courtship hadn't allowed her to see. One day he was on top of the world. His energy was amazing. He would study, go to work, and not sleep, for days. Then, suddenly, it was like he had been hit by a train. She couldn't get him out of bed, or to shower, or leave the apartment. Finally, one day, he looked into those trusting brown eyes and told her to get lost. He didn't really love her and didn't know why he married her in the first place. She was some loose whore and how did he know this was his kid in the first place? "Get out!" he said. So, she left.

Now, she may have been young, but she wasn't stupid. She packed her bags and left. Filing for divorce in July, the lawyer advised her to keep the pregnancy hush-hush. Judges didn't look to favorably on unwed mothers. They signed the papers in August. She had been married and divorced in approximately 10 weeks.

Knocking on her mother's door, she promised to stay only until she could find an apartment. Then she made a quick trip over to the university to change her major. She didn't have time for lofty career pursuits. Nursing was a two year degree. By taking a few missed pre-requisites, she could get into the program and graduate by the time the baby was two.

Baby came quickly that cold February morning. She delivered alone with only the nurse and the doctor. The next day, He showed up; all apologies and promises of doing better. He seemed so sincere. He was so eager and excited to hold the baby and crow over her. "Please, let's try again." His family encouraged the reunion by telling her how he cried over her and his child. Her mother admonished her to do the right thing. So, she relented.

She gave it a year. After 18 months of manic behavior, she moved out. That was it. It was final. She called the enrollment officer at the university and asked if she could try for that Associate's in nursing after all? Her mother sent her a round-trip ticket to come and drop the baby off with her until she finished. It would take six months to complete the course work and clinicals.

When she graduated, had secured a job, and a place to live, she retrieved her daughter. She would give no information to her ex-husband as to her whereabouts. Initially, she tried to allow visits to his mother, but after Grandmother began to be harrassed for more information, that connection was cut, too.

It couldn't have been easy to have been a single mother in the early '70s. But my mother did what needed to be done. She wasn't perfect. She made some very poor choices later on in my childhood. But she gave me life, not a perfect one, but life. Had she made a different decision those many years ago, I know of four people who wouldn't be here now. Four very precious girls who have purpose and determination and character and who thank their grandmother for making a choice that has given them their mother.

I love you, mom, and know that your life has not been an easy one to live. Thank you for not having an abortion, like many of your friends encouraged you to do. Thank you for taking the harder road that has scratched and scarred us both, but in the end has made us stronger for it.

Happy Mother's Day to the mother who chose to be one against many odds.

« Hide the rest of A Short Story Long on Meaning

---

Wow. You are the real hero in this story in my opinion as you have not allowed yourself to be eaten up with bitterness about other childhood memories, and have chosen to believe the best about your mother.

by Kris on May 11, 2004 07:11 AM

---

I have thought about this many times, Kris, and really don't know exactly how I arrived at this place, save by the grace of God Himself.

I do very much believe that I have been forgiven of much and who am I to hold someone to account when my own has been wiped clean?

by Rae on May 12, 2004 07:21 PM

---

Man, this story made me tear up. It hurts my heart to think of the children lost who will never have the chance to share this story. I'm glad your mom made the right choice.

by Keely on April 7, 2005 09:26 PM

---

« Hide Comments!

The only reason I can say this is because I know that I will be either a. dead and unable to see anything pass between them or b. dead and "perfected" thus eliminating my jealous heart. I know that if a sweet, young woman saw R and our four daughters alone, she could not resist her heart. She would take pity on them and fall in love with him and our daughters. He protests that once she found out he would be unable to provide the necessary ingredients for conception of their own child, she would abandon them. I redirected his thoughts to modern technology: an extraction method would allay her fears and down the isle they would go. He might even get to wear a tux at his own wedding! Having been married in Onslow County, Jacksonville, N.C. (all you sleuths can go figure out the details to that mysterious method of matrimony) in December 1990, we wore our Sunday best before a Magistrate and our parents. So, he never donned the black and white for his own vows, although he did for many of his friends.

My only requirement is that the girls accept her and approve the union. He agreed and so did they.

Should R meet His maker before I do, I know that I could never remarry. It isn't that I wouldn't want to. I do not doubt my ability to love and know that while awkward, I could again become intimately involved with someone again. I don't know that I could ever trust another man not my daughter's father. I simply could not believe that he wouldn't hurt them in some way. Shallow? Maybe. Lacking faith? Yes. Besides, I cannot help but think that men would look at five women as more of a liablity than an asset. This thought is much of the fuel behind my desire to finish my degree in Literature. I want to get my Master's and teach at a community college/smaller college. I desire to remove any financial dependence. It would make someone less socio-econmically desirable. If I can do what he could, then I wouldn't need "him" so much. Replacing the intimacy of a relationship with a fat bank account and benefits won't completely satisfy me, but it will remove a bit of the hunger. If I think things through in anticipation of a forthcoming or possible event, I am more resolute in my action. I know myself and while I may desperately love a man, I could never trust him. So, in order to not hurt another, I will altogether avoid it.

« Hide the rest of (Not) Going to the Chapel

---

« Hide Comments!

1)Being a wife (not just a companion-just as I count on R to bring home the bacon *can't help but to snicker here as he is in the swine production business* he expects me to fry it up in the pan) to my husband. See, he has some responsiblities, too. But wait, working to support six people isn't too hard, is it? It seems like women these days want to bitch about everything their husband isn't doing, but can he point to some areas of "Wifedom" that need improvement? Uh-uh! No sir! Can't touch that!

Please, I am not saying that men aren't sometimes jerks (go through my archives), but why is that a woman can call a man an ass for leaving his boxers on the floor, but he can't say a word about her bras hanging on the doorknob? I think feminism has gone beyond saying firmly, but nicely, "Equal Pay for Equal Work" to saying "We can say anything we want about men because we have so suffered simply because we are women." My husband is a white male. Right now that is the most maligned, stereotyped character in media. He's baaaaaaad because he is white and male. It's been easy for him- right? He has had it all handed to him on a silver platter, right?

So, I took my vows, and for better (sorry you don't get all the details) or for worse (nor those), I am R's wife and he is my husband; we are each other's best friends, but we have obligations in our roles and friendship. It isn't a perfect union, but it is a committed one.

2)Being a mother. Wait, not just a mom, but a "stay-at-home-mom." I have always hated that phrase. I know that some women really do have to work to put food on the table (my mom was one of them) and to shelter their families. But, there are women who claim to work for necessity of provision, while really doing so for "personal satisfaction." What's wrong with that? Nothing. But just say so. Don't pretend that if you didn't make your six figures you wouldn't be able to eat. Just say, "I work because I like having nice things. I want a house in this section of town. I like working because it gets me away from the children. I work because I feel like I am using my mind when I do." I can respect that, even if I disagree with your personal choices, because it's honesty. Hiding pretentiously behind the curtain of women working hard to make sure their children have clothes is, in truth, despicable.

So, I chose to not put my child in daycare. I chose instead to live (not so succesfully, a times) within the means of whatever R made. That meant that the only Baby Gap on my girls backs was from the yearly city-wide garage sale. That meant that we had used cars and my wonderful personal gearhead tuned and mechanic-ed and they never broke down. That meant that yellow-labeled cans were a staple on my shelf. R always made me proud when he would say, "I may not drive the newest car on the block, but I sure do eat well." For a long time we rented a home and had "college furniture" well past our college days. I nursed my babies because I was convicted it was the best thing for them, but it helped that it saved money, too. I used cloth diapers and line-dried them. That saved on store-bought diapers and electricity. I still miss hanging a load of fresh clean diapers in the sun and seeing them blowing like flags announcing the innocence within the household. I am not better, but I can look back and be very content with my choices. I have no regrets. While I didn't live high on the hog, the point is that I lived. It wasn't easy. I sometimes hated aspects of it. I came from well-to-do and this was challenging, but I was determined to do what was best, not the most convenient. I am not saying that women who do it just like I did are better, or that the women who didn't are worse, I am just saying that the best things to do aren't always the most fun or the ones that make our lives "easier." I don't think that it's the government's job to help anyone with childcare. I had these kids and it's my responsiblity to care for them- employed or otherwise.

3)Home educating. Yes, this is a touchy one. First, I am not a Homeschool Nazi. I think that the masses are generally going to be publically educated, but I think it is for the state to govern, not the federal government. No, I don't have any more patience than the next woman (ask my children- sometimes mommy is grumpy). But when you know in your heart and head that something is right to do, you do it. No, we don't make a million bucks. We do o.k. Again, I don't drive the newest car on the block and not doing so allows money to purchase curriculum. My girls are darn smart. It makes me quite proud to know that not only did I contribute genetically (nature) but I also teach them myself (nurture). They aren't perfect and neither am I, but we really know each other and I can guarantee that they will walk away from this home prepared to be thinking, active citizens that are positively engaged with their families, communities, and nation. It isn't any easier than anything anyone else does. Some days I love it; some days I wish they were all going to public school so that I could have a day to sew or blog or read.

What prompted all these thoughts? Myrna Blyth's terrific new book Spin Sisters: How the Women of the Media Sell Unhappiness and Liberalism to the Women of America. And I quote: "Blyth persuasively argues that today's media bombards American women- the most prosperous, healthiest, well-educated, and privileged group of women ever- with constant messages of unhappiness and victimization. And that these effectively crafted messages also push and promote a liberal political agenda that the Spin Sisters share." She and Caitlin Flanagan are some of my favorite people to read. They don't pick sides in the issue of whether or not to stay at home or seek employment; rather, they admonish women to buck-up and shut-up about the choices they do make. And stop blaming the men and start communicating honestly and considerately with them (just the way you wish to be communicated with).

Tirade passed; none forecasted again in the near future.

« Hide the rest of I don't mean to say, but wait, maybe I do...

---

Great post, Rae. As usual. :)

by Natalie on April 15, 2004 09:00 PM

---

Very nicely done. It's trite but I knew my life changed the moment my squalling children were placed in my arms. I thought to myself: "You'll never take another step without thinking how that might affect him. Ever again."

Thank you for reminding me. I have to go hug my babies right now.

by Emma on April 15, 2004 09:37 PM

---

First time comments. Actually she drives a white 94 Chevy Astro Van with 167,537 miles on it and does not complain. I love her very much and just happens to be good at whatever she wants to be good at. I applaud this post. It is brave and may draw fire. Together we set the bar high and it has paid off. We are not the smartest people in the world. Our chldren are the smartest. They can grasp anything that we teach them or talk about, it is amazing. That is what is so great about Rae. She is the biggest part of making and molding something greater than either of us. I love her committment. I have been reading a while and thought this one was just right for me to chime in on. She is right it was hard starting out. Have you ever dug around for change between the car seats to get eggs or milk until the next payday? We did.

Rae-I know the obvious one, who is the other?

by R on April 15, 2004 10:08 PM

---

Thanks, Natalie :)

Emma- I have been hoping you would stop by :)

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce, R, my terrific husband. *blush* Thank you, honey. I love you very much, too.

by Rae on April 15, 2004 10:59 PM

---

I don't think any "stay at home moms" actually stay at home. Misnomer given to a thankless and neverending job, eh?

by Joe on April 16, 2004 02:36 AM

---

Great blog Sister! Many people in this society,myself included, have developed a bit of this "blame someone else" disease. I find myself thinking "Well, if only he would have ....," or "If only my parents wouldn't have ...." That's not to say that there aren't times that we have been wronged, but if I just quit looking around at everyone else and trying to see what they are doing wrong or how what they're doing is effecting me, and blaming them for where I am or what I am doing, and accept responsiblity for my own life, I am more honest and more likely to make changes where they are needed. And then I will be more content with my life, as I will see it as My life. The one that I have (with God's help and mercy) created for myself. (I realize that there are circumstances that sometimes we honestly cannot do anything about, i.e. I am a black woman living in 1830 and I am a slave, but I am referring to life in America 2004 where our personal liberties seem nearly boundless.

by Kujo on April 16, 2004 06:20 AM

---

Wonderful post.

by Ted on April 16, 2004 09:25 AM

---

Rae, we have talk about this, great how you say it, have a good trip, I'll miss you.

by virginia on April 16, 2004 11:31 AM

---

Rae,

You're a shining light. Your children are blessed. (Your husband, too.)

by Juliette on April 16, 2004 01:08 PM

---

Excellent post, and a wonderful story. Not having had any children myself (yet), I have always had the utmost respect for women who choose to stay home to raise their children, and hope to do the same when that day comes for me.

I've heard about that book a couple of other times, but I think your post here has given me the push to go out and pick it up.

I applaud you, and the choices and sacrifices you've made to make a wonderful life for your family.

by Nee on April 16, 2004 02:37 PM

---

Hooray! Very well put Rae! I can picture you behind the EIB microphone as a guest speaker!!

by Amy on April 18, 2004 09:54 PM

---

I'm not sure if this is my first comment. I have visited before, on the recommendation of your friend Kris. Thanks for the straight up remarks!

Homeschooled kids have done great things as adults, and I believe yours will as well.

by Douglas on August 18, 2004 01:15 AM

---

« Hide Comments!

As usual, when entering a check out line, I put on all the goods on the belt and then scan the mags. I was pulled from my glossy reverie by a hacking cough. I turned to see the young lady blow every germ out of her mouth, onto her hand and then to my Pink Lady Apples, Diet Coke with Lime, and avocadoes. As I passed over the $5, I admonished her to cough into her shoulder and then extended my sleeve-covered hand to take the change. Silly me. I didn't think to disinfect the purchases. I shook my head all the way to the car and then twisted open the soda and slugged a big drink. My merciless repugnance is humbling me into kindess and less agression by way of sharing her misery. Funny how experiencing what we unjustly judge others for gives us better perspective....

« Hide the rest of Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement

---

(I've been watching you and Ironbear banter for a while, just figured I'd drop in and see your new digs! And now I can see why Ironbear flirts with ya! *grin*)

I think that cashier needed to have someone admonish her. That was pretty gross.

Sorry you're sick! Drink lots of decaf mint tea with a LOT of honey in it--that usually works for me. I have to be careful with any medicines I take during a case of the respiratory crud--I have asthma and a lot of those cold medicines will bring on an attack, which makes the cold worse, which makes the asthma worse, ad infinitum... So I stick with the natural stuff as much as possible, and only take drugs when it gets too intolerable.

Nice to meet'cha, Rae--hope you feel better soon! :-)

--TwoDragons

by Denita TwoDragons on April 8, 2004 10:06 AM

---

Just finished the edits on your sidebar... I clicked the link for the Quote of the Week... Hahaha... ROFLMAO!

by Madfish Willie on April 8, 2004 12:33 PM

---

Your new pad rocks.

by Joe on April 8, 2004 10:42 PM

---

Hey Rae, congratulations on the new place. It looks great!

by Patrick on April 8, 2004 11:32 PM

---

Denita-the Mrs! So nice to meet you, too! Well, I wouldn't call it flirting, just being, ya know, really friendly :) Thanks for coming by and for the advice.

Bartender-omg'ness-anything she writes makes me loose it!

Ahhh, Joe and Patrick, thanks :)

by Rae on April 10, 2004 11:26 PM

---

« Hide Comments!