Anticipating her exit, I would move back from the door, allowing her to pass into her bedroom. She would dig through her jewelry, selecting the perfect accompaniment piece, and finally, a spritz of her perfume to complete the preparation. Even then, as I do now, I thought her the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

Once while sitting in a restaurant for brunch, she sipped her coffee, and then returned her eyes to mine to finish the conversation. She was facing the window and the sunlight illuminated her face and eyes. I can't even recall the topic; as soon as she finished speaking, I told her how I had forgotten how lovely her eyes are. Not used to genuine, face-to-face compliments, she fidgeted, but thanked me, and returned to the safety of her coffee and the trivial discussion.

Last summer I wanted a new candle, and so sniffed my way through the isle at Target. I was about to die of cheap scent suffocation when I picked up a small, austere votive, sitting alone on the shelf. Although I hesitated because my septum felt like it was going to explode, I smelled the candle. I slipped through the door of time, and into the little rental home, watching my mother as I so often did. K's request for a trip to the bathroom pulled me back to Utah 2004. I quickly looked at the bottom of the cup for the name of the scent: tuberose. I nestled it between some items in the cart and made my way to the front for K.

It sits in my bathroom and occasionally, as I am going about my day, I have a private moment of transportation to one of the few pleasant memories of my childhood.

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I love the scent of tuberoses; Cheryl and I shared a massage oil with that as a scent base.

Great post; I have re-read it several times now. Takes me back to watching my mom put on her makeup.

What a lovely memory. I often smell my mother's once-favorite perfume on a complete stranger and become atransported back to another time and place. I used to sit on my mother's bed and watch her put her makeup on in her bathroom. I was overcome by the memory and habit of this when I was visiting her in February, when I found myself once again sitting on her bed, talking with her as she put on her makeup. I laughed at myself at the time, amused at my own predictability. But today I am smiling at the memoy of my mother's love. I am so grateful that I still have her here on this earth with me. So many others have passed on in recent years and are in poor health now. Thank you for the reminder!

Many times when Lindy prayed, I left my eyes open, staring at her, watching her bowed head, amazed at the sincerity of the words falling out of her mouth. Other times, I would look at my hands in my lap, wanting to listen, but still stuck in the summer of 1980, finding reasons to stay away when the contractor, hungry to consume my innocent, pubescent body for himself, would come to texture the walls while listening to Pink Floyd and helping himself to other consumables in the fridge. Like most predators, he could smell the wounded from afar. I still remember the way he eyed me, my mother completely unaware, while explaining what he would with the beams and walls. The amen was a powerful trajectory, throwing me through time to find myself 27, able to defend myself against any antagonist I now faced, but was I finding that I couldn't even see the One whom I felt to be my most avid pursuer.

She started the end of our time just as always with "Well, let's pray." For some reason, maybe tired from the soporific effects of such time travel and epic realization, I closed my eyes, not following any of her words, until I heard her voice stop for a moment, catching the silence, then returning to her conversation with God.

As I so often do when I am contemplative, I stood in the doorway that night and watched my sleeping girls. There was just enough moonlight illuminating their little pajamed bodies entwined with sheets, comforters kicked crookedly to the side. I listened to the softness of their alternating, rhythmic breathing. Here was perfect innocence before me. Each night these girls went to bed with the security of knowing they were loved, cared for, taken care of. The only occupation of their minds was the business of the day's play. I recalled E's first grade teacher sending home a paper my little girl had recently written: "I know my mommy and daddy love me because they play games with me and read to me, and we have fun together."

It wasn't God who had failed me, it was my mother. My young, overwhelmed, single mother who was desperately running from her own suffering and disappointment. Her youth, her stress, and her marital status weren't excuses, but rather clues at helping me understand why she deserted her parenting. I had withheld my anger from her because she was the only tangible, concrete evidence of my miserable existence. Showing ingratitude for all her "sacrifices" would only throw the bolt on the already closed door of her heart. She had subconsciously molded me into the perfect defender of her at-arms-length love.

Here was my opportunity. Here was my choice: to either see my childhood as a sordid mess, and to be destroyed by it, thus ravaging yet more souls, dragging them along with me, and perpetuating the ruin, or to take the painful source of my wisdom, and ensure that it finally ended here. Now.

There wasn't any magical moment where a girl and her God were reconciled. There was; however, a point in time when I recognized that there was still a girl and her God.

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Rae, I am honored to have read this piece of writing. As one upon whom similar pain was suffered, I find deep and poignant meaning in these words. Thank you for sharing this so eloquently and so freely. I am grateful to be given the gift of your insights.

"...I recognized that there was still a girl and her God."

My experience is *very* similar to yours regarding mom. I want to encourage you that the statement I quoted IS a magical moment. It doesn't ring of a jubilant epiphany and goose-bumps but in reality that one statement is in and of itself probably one of the most profound you will have in your walk. That's probably why you put it as your title.

It's reflective of the redemptive pain on this side of the cross.

The mark of true faith is not when we are glowing like Moses as puddles of water divide to clear a path for us. The mark of faith is what a famous saint once said, "true faith is found when given every opportunity to not believe and yet we still do."

The Lord knows violation by His very own family, His very own Bride, He even knows what its like to feel as if His Father had turned his back on him. I pray that this Good Friday's meditations will take you to a place of identifying with Him in the pain that can be redemptive in purpose.

I hope I have not been to forward but I see this as *hugantically* important and BIG step. I am sorry for the pain but rejoice as I see true healing.

This is *the* point of healing. I love Jesus even more for taking care of you. :)

I am inspired by your honesty and courage. Your words are a salve for women like me. I pray that you fully realize the impact of your eloquent sharing.

I too have been in a place of rejection of God because of what I perceived as His refusal to protect me. I am so thankful that He is such a forgiving God and that his faithfulness is true!

May God continue to bless you and your blog.

I am a new reader but I will be back often.

Wow. Just . . . wow. You write very well, and the power of your testimony is magnified because of it. Likewise, your love for your daughters is evident and enviable.

She (your mom) did the best job she could, now it's your turn. Thought you might like this..http://justoneminute.typepad.com/

Under A Swift Sunrise.

Very touching. Brought tears to my eyes. I understand the loss of innocence and I can't count how often I weep with joy to know my daughter is in a far different world than the one I traveled through. Lord be with you. I do recall during severe trial and anger that, like you, I was his daughter. :o)

rae, i came here through blogs by women, and i'm so glad i did! your writing mesmerizes me. this post is - beautiful, wrenching, haunting, and so achingly *true*. and that final line resonates deep within me (as it seems to have with several other readers). thank you, thank you.
wishing you a blesssed and peaceful easter season.

by the way, forgive this totally irrelevant comment, but you have a beautiful color scheme and i like the way the links shine all pink when the cursor touches them. pretty! :)

Thank you all for your encouraging thoughts. AS always, I only hope that someone reading will find the courage and will to see hope and not despair.

Romy, thanks for the reminder about blogs by women. I need to get a link up and announce the site and provide a link. I perused your site (quickly, I admit) and saw that you also have Greg Hammond linked, so we have probably passed one another on the 'sphere highway.

Also, thanks for the color-scheme compliments, too :D

By mid-morning, we were sitting in a meeting with the local imams. The senior imam or "mufti" brings other important imams in a few times a month and we discuss ongoing issues inside the city. The imam meeting is in addition to various reconstruction meetings with contractors and bureaucrats as well as the perpetual development of the Iraqi security forces. What is unique about the imam meeting is that like so many other things happening now, the meeting itself would have been beyond impossible as recently as October. Now the imams request the meeting and sit down with us in order to reduce friction and work toward improving the quality of life of the Fallujahns.

As recently as October, we sat outside the city in day long battles. Over the inevitable din, you could hear cries for jihad and resistance resonating through the loudspeakers of the city's 60+ mosques. Certainly from the Marine point of view, the mosques were thought of as facilitators of the terrorists and a key ingredient in stoking the spiral of violence that consumed the city for much of the past thirteen months and beyond. Today we sat with some of the same men who controlled the speakers and discussed ways to get ambulances into the city faster and enhancing understanding among the variety of cultures that now make up the daily life in the city.

As we drove out of Fallujah, we went to visit one of the Public Order Battalions. These battalions were formed by the Iraqi government just before and during the battle of Fallujah known here as AL FAJR (New Dawn/Beginning). They showed up in December, following the battle. When they arrived, it was the typical mess that unfortunately what we came to expect of the Iraqi Security Forces - no meaningful training, poorly equipped, no real discipline and corresponding low morale. Now these same young Iraqi men are grouped together with other units and called "the heroes of Fallujah" by the people.

I cannot tell you how many nights in December and January we laid there in our bags and practically counted down to the night's phantom firefights that would get these soldiers going. Thousands of rounds would be fired into the night while their Marine liaisons ran between positions trying to get them to calm down. As soon as one unit would get under control, a new unit would start up and get them all going again. This would often go on for hours. If not for the tracers zipping through the night, it would have been tragically comical. Like all of the other problems we have seen here this year, it was solved by the tireless work of the Sergeants and Captains and their Marines. Nightly lessons and relentless correction and training have now made the POB a credible force. I think the Iraqi Army units with us are even better.

As I have said before, Fallujah is now thought of as a "safe zone" by the citizens. The atmosphere of fear and intimidation is now lifted. People move about during the day without fear. The curfew remains at night and frankly, that is just fine with the people. Iraqis outside the city talk of how safe they feel when they come to Fallujah. Talk about a truly incredible turnaround.

Last night we went up to the roof of the building where we stay and looked out over the city. Many lights are back on and more come on each night. It was quiet as could be. Perhaps the best description I can offer is "peaceful." There is no doubt that the muj will continue bring episodes of violence and terror to Fallujah. It is inevitable but they cannot undo the hope that is growing inside the people that things are getting better.

While the men have been working inside the city, other Marines have been relentlessly chasing and attriting the enemy outside the city. We have had more success capturing high value targets in the last week than perhaps during any other during my 22 months here. Once again, the Marines continue to exceed expectation. Instead of coasting in and playing it safe, they are pouring on the coal and finishing strong. The result has been a number of indicators of insurgent leadership seeking to open a dialogue with the Iraqi Government. Again, not to put too rosy a picture on it but it really is encouraging to the guys who have been here grinding away. The bad news for the enemy is that fresh legs are here and it is about to get worse for them.

I wanted to finish with a story of another young person who has exemplified the kind of support we have enjoyed over here. Her name is Amy and she is from St. Louis, Missouri. Not long before November's battle, we received a number of large boxes. Amy had a birthday party and instead of receiving gifts, she asked her friends to bring toys for the Iraqi children. They did and then mailed them all to us to deliver. By the time, we received them; we had received the warning order to liberate Fallujah. I stored them when we left for the city. When we came out at the end of November to clean up, the Marines loaded the vehicles with the boxes and headed back to town.

As the children returned, the city had been severely damaged. The Marines had also been through quite a bit. However, during the Christmas season, the Marines were able to hand out toys to the children. It was great for all.

This vignette has been repeated hundreds of times by the support that we receive regularly. Most all of the packages we have received have been turned around quickly and found their way into the hands of people who appreciate them. I wish I had time to personally thank every one who sent something but frankly, I would have done nothing else.

In closing, I want you to know that we feel the support from the American people and the American people have it right. Lives are changing here. It is not a struggle for the meek but the young men and women serving here as well as the Iraqi people are up for it. The days ahead will continue to be a tough pull but the progress is measurable.

With no false modesty, our replacements look like they are going to do even better than our guys. The newly arrived Marines are very well trained, fresh and eager.

Attached is a photo taken by a good friend of mine. Now at the end of the deployment, it is clear that this is why we are here. I will be home before long.

Love,

Dave

This letter can be found on the website Lt. Col. Bellon's family maintains: The Green Side.

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Oh what a wave of relief I felt as I read this - thank you for sharing it.

Great piece, added to my To Be Linked list

GB- you're welcome.

Jeff- good. You have infinitely more readers than I and the more people that read this, the better.

Did you notice "I'll see you soon"? I think that the Lt. Col. will be coming home soon.

Haven't figured out my "permalink" yet - glad you have it though. And, my readership is much less than yours or Jeff's - but I followed and linked also (URL in form box) Thanks for a good read. :)

You're able to make decisions fairly easily when they are called for. Even if you're not certain of the answer to a particular question or problem immediately, it probably doesn't take you too much time or energy to resolve the issue. You are relatively comfortable in roles and situations that demand good decision-making skills, but you may not seek them out intentionally.

However, I can be dismissive just to get something done, rather than really thinking through and consider the entirety of the consequences or outcome.

You seem to have moderately strong leadership abilities. You're not driven to always be in charge, although you could probably handle a position of power if it came your way. You're interested in success, but it's not the only thing you value. It's most likely that while you may find yourself in leadership positions, you don't tend to actively pursue them.

Maybe.

You tend to be moderately aggressive. If you're provoked enough you may respond with force, although that's probably not your primary response mode. On occasion you may find your temper getting the best of you, but usually you can control it. You're not likely to be the one initiating or escalating a conflict, but you will defend yourself when necessary.

True. I have told R that if ever found de_d, there will be plenty of skin under my fingernails. I also find that the older I get, the less my temper gets me into trouble.

You're not extremely analytical. You're probably not driven to understand the minute details of how things work the way they do or why things happen a certain way. It's likely that you approach the world in a more intuitive way rather than in a hard, cold, factual manner. You tend to avoid roles and situations in which you must analyze and think extensively about complex, difficult problems.

"It's likely that you approach the world in a more intuitive way rather than in a hard, cold, factual manner."

Absolutely.

On occasion you really stand out and show what makes you so unique, and at other times you choose to simply blend in with the crowd. There are certain principles that you simply wouldn't think of compromising, but you also realize that sometimes you can't sweat the small stuff and you have to be flexible. Your outlook typically leans more toward the positive than the negative, and overall your approach to life tends to be fairly practical and realistic.

Now isn't that special? Maybe. I think, again, being the 68% feminine that I am, it just depends on the day, the situation, and how much chocolate is available.

Specifics of my Feminine Side:

No one is likely to describe you as perky. You can even be a bit cynical or pessimistic. You don't tend to be someone who simply paints a smile on your face even if you're feeling down. When you're happy, you're happy, and when you're not — you're not. Other people who are extremely perky, peppy and sunny may even annoy you.

Right on!

You are moderately caring and compassionate. You have a warm and tenderhearted side, but you may be more likely to show it to those who are closest to you and not just to everyone. You're comfortable expressing affection in certain situations. You might be moved to help every person who needs it, but you're also aware of the practical limitations of trying to fix every wrong in the world. While you sometimes find yourself in care-giving situations, you probably don't actively seek them out.

Hmmm, probably true for the most part. Many people think because I am the home-educating mother of four children that I just love this job. Ummm, not always. Certainly there are days that are better than others, and for the most part, yes. But I do what I do on priniciple and conviction.

I do have a soft spot for the aged. It seems that in whatever community we live, some attachment to an elderly couple or a widow is formed.

You are not especially gentle. You tend more toward energy, power and intensity in your demeanor. When you get angry or frustrated, you tend to express it. You're not likely to want to quickly smooth things over or just turn the other cheek. You may find that quiet, calm, tranquil settings can be boring. Although you're not opposed to peacefulness, you thrive on a certain amount of stress. You may even pride yourself on being a little rough around the edges.

I plead the Fifth.

You understand people fairly well. You are able to see things from others' perspectives and can usually empathize with people's problems and struggles. You may have some intuition and insight into people's motivations and goals. It's likely that you have a friend or two that turn to you when they have problems. You might have toyed with the idea of being a therapist. It's likely that you find yourself in roles and situations that call upon your skill in understanding people, even if you don't actively seek these out.

Oh, my! Spot on!

You are not very timid. In a crowd you tend to stand out. You generally enjoy attention from others and may even seek the spotlight. You're fairly self-confident and are not easily embarrassed. In a group setting you can usually jump right into the conversation. You can be very social and outgoing. When you first meet someone your self-confidence helps you feel comfortable and you're probably good at making the other person feel comfortable as well. When you feel strongly about something, whether it's positive or negative, you tend to have little trouble expressing your feelings.

True. False modesty always annoys the heck out of me, but then so does pretension.

You are moderately trusting. When a friend tells you something you are most likely to believe it. However, when the source of some new information is unknown to you, you might believe it, but you may also approach it with a healthy dose of skepticism. You're not always good at telling when someone is lying. You might recall a time or two in the past when you discovered that you had been deceived. You want to see the best in people, and usually you have a fairly positive, optimistic outlook on life.

Wrong. I tend to disbelieve and don't trust authority simply for the position it holds. Someone in authority has to prove himself first.

On occasion you really stand out and show what makes you so unique, and at other times you choose to simply blend in with the crowd. There are certain principles that you simply wouldn't think of compromising, but you also realize that sometimes you can't sweat the small stuff and you have to be flexible. Your outlook typically leans more toward the positive than the negative, and overall your approach to life tends to be fairly practical and realistic.

Nice summary.

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Hey, they gave you the full report! They wanted me to pay for mine :)

BTW, I'll be in St. George starting April 17 for a week. Other than taking a two day mini break to go to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, I'll be around.

I'm 12% masculine and 88% feminine. Not a big surprise, although I thought the questions used were an interesting way of finding this out.

51% masculine and 49% feminine. No wonder I like female blogs better than male blogs.

Now I can start having an after midlife crisis.

When I get my hair cut tomorrow morning I'll consider getting my nails done even though I do a pretty good job cutting, shaping and filing them myself. Maybe, a new pair of shoes would make me feel better.

I really hate tests.

1) Let's remember that emotional abuse is a lot harder to prove than physical abuse. It's especially difficult for a teenager who has lived with vitriolic language every day to see this as being quite the wrong that it is. And to describe psychological torture to the authorities is difficult as well. The reaction is very likely to be "hm, she said that? Why, young lady—she must have been at her wit's end. Whatever did you do to push her to that point?"

"There you are," the judge will say, kindly but sternly. "You must stop provoking her." Case dismissed.

This can be true, LMA, and certainly was in many situations for myself. I often look back at the people who were my mother's friends and in whose eyes I saw scorn and wonder how in the world they were so hoodwinked by my mother's dazzling personality. When I meet a precocious young adult who seems bent on pissing off every person in authority, I immediately question what kind of authority lit their stack of wood. However, I do know that the courts are faithful to assign psychological counseling, and it can be gagged, if there is any question as to why a teenager is acting out. I don't know that many people in such precious positions of judgment just hand out a finger-wagging in favor of the parents. I don't deny that it happens, especially when the kid comes from a well-to-do family (like I did). People are far more manipulated by money than they realize. I recall when Columbine occurred and my neighbor couldn't believe that such atrocities would come from such affluent families. I snorted loudly and proceeded to give her a piece of my past. Her comment wasn't completely surprising as I had watched for several years while she placed all her faith for good parenting in the amount of money she was able to procure in order to purchase things that would automatically generate "good children."

So, to not allow for parental consent because of fear that some judge would verbally spank the girl for being naughty isn't logical or profound enough to support keeping parents in ignorance.

2) It's also important to keep in mind that a lot of parents are in favor of abortions, especially for their young daughters! I think a lot of pro-life parents are so busy over-identifying with these parents (and wondering, horrified, if their own kids might ever sneak out and get an abortion themselves) that they lose track of this essential fact. Had I gotten pregnant two years earlier, the pressure on me to terminate would have doubled. I truly believe that the main pressures on young women to have this done come from a) boyfriends and husbands, and b) parents.

Your parental notification law will help you sleep better, but it probably won't reduce abortions.

I agree, LMA. Most parents are in favor of abortions, and I have been privy to some of those parents decision making processes. Unfortunately, I have seen that the heaviest weight in the measure was the saving of reputations as having been "good parents" and coming in a close second was saving the reputation of their daughter. I think you commented on "the site" that initiated this discussion that many women, younger or not, choose abortion because it keeps them from branded.

I won't throw a blanket over all parents. I do think that some encourage and support an abortion for their daughters because they truly believe it is the best thing to do.

I have also witnessed the opposite: parents being supportive of a young woman carrying the child to birth and then giving the baby up for adoption. One young woman with whom R and I were briefly acquainted told us that she would rather wonder about her living child than live without hope and wonder.

Health professionals are also guilty of bestowing the scarlet letter. When I was 21 and delivering E on the charity of the Catholic hospital (due to loss of benefits when R was no longer considered "active duty" although a veteran, but those thoughts will be saved for another day) the treatment I received was far different than when I was 30 and I was delivering K with the help of private insurance. The nurses the first time were condescending and treated me like I was an ignorant idiot. Not all of them, but several. It astounded them that I didn't take drugs, was married to the father, didn't smoke or drink, wanted to nurse, had already planned a post-partum birth control method of the diaphragm, and had nine semesters of college under my belt with full intentions to complete my degree. The sister of a friend experienced the same prejudice when she delivered her first daughter using Medicaid. She thought having obstetrical care and a safe delivery at the expense of the tax dollars she had paid since 16 was better than having none at all.

I also agree that parental notification probably won't reduce the number of abortions. I just don't see it as inherently preventative.

3) Parental notification laws are a cop out for parents. If you want your daughter to trust you, it behooves you to be trustworthy. If you want her to anticipate that you will be supportive when she's having a hard time, the best way to guarantee that is to show her that during other hard times. If all she expects from you is judgment, then you need to examine your parenting style, rather than expecting the state to bail you out.

Well-said, LMA. As the mother of four daughters and one of them a 13 year-old, I can say quite from experience, that it can be very challenging to "seek first to understand, then to be understood" or to be "quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." I am fast being induced to listening without attempting to solve or pigeonhole. It is a hard transition to the "coach-friend" stage where we come alongside our growing human beings as a trusted confidant rather than a feared bobby. It doesn't remove our prerogative as parents to hold our kids to account for their choices, nor does it excuse those that compromise good parenting in the name of being their child's friend.

4) Girls and women do die during abortions. But let's be fair: they also die during childbirth. Two or three women die every day in this country due to pregnancy complications. Even here in the U.S. we haven't entirely removed the risk. There are risks either way, and if you haven't ever heard a "birth horror story," you might be spending too much side gathering data from only one side of the fence.

I think the birth horror stories to which RWS was referring were those women that when faced with the choice of abortion or delivering their child, rarely do those whom chose to deliver the child have a story of guilt, depression, or profound regret. Although, on your point, you are correct that there are both risks for either abortion or carrying a pregnancy to term. For a developed country, our stillbirth rate is atrocious, but stillbirths and "birth horror stories" aren't limited to young, adolescent, female bodies attempting to give birth. I know you know that, but just a counterpoint.

Both sides are guilty of presenting evidence that sways heavily in their favor; however, I sincerely have seen in my own personal experience and still believe that the pro-abortion movement leaves out much information in order to more effectively persuade a young woman to choose abortion. The numbers consistently show that more white, middle to upper-middle class women, aged 18-24 get abortions. These women are influenced to think that they simply cannot sacrifice a college education for rearing a child. It amazes me that when a woman does have a child, we fight for her to get all the Federal benefits she can, but when she is contemplating abortion, we never say, "Have the child. There are plenty of programs out there to aid you financially."

My 13 year-old daughter who, no matter what people try to insist otherwise, is not $exually active, and hasn't even ki$$ed a boy (though I won't be ignorant and assert she hasn't and doesn't think about or anticipate it), can hardly manage her emotions well-enough to get along with her sisters. She sometimes stresses out when having to make a choice between outfits. I simply cannot imagine her having an abortion and being able to deal with the emotional weight of it. Nor would I want her support to come from her friends or some equally emotionally immature boy. And I most definitely don't want it to come from someone who doesn't know her from the next girl in the waiting room, but presents the pretense of "understanding." I find it incredibly subversive to the rights I have as a parent to guide, educate, protect, and provide for my child.

I am the one who conceived her. I am the one who gave birth to her. I am the one who nourished her from my own body, both inside and out, for 22 months. I am the one who has sheltered, feed, clothed, educated, and loved her. No one holds the health, physical or emotional, of my daughter as her highest priority and most humble calling than I. No one is a better advocate for her than myself. No one.

Some may argue that while it's just great that my daughter is loved and cared for, but that there are many who aren't, so what about them? Show me a situation where a young girl has been forced by her parents to deliver a child she didn't want to deliver, and I am not talking about "back in the day." As soon as a young woman showed any resistence to such an "aggrievement," Planned Parenthood via the ACLU and NOW would take up her battle cry. She could receive protected anonymity; Norma McCorvey didn't reveal her identity until the 1980's and it was by her own doing.

Parents can be sued for the misbehavior of their children. They can be held accountable for the debt incurred by their children. The 17 year-old daughter of a friend couldn't even get holes poked into her ears without a parent physically present to be witnessed signing consent. When my 13 year-old had a breast biopsy, I had to give my permission to allow the operation. I had to state that I understood both the purpose and the risks of such an undertaking. I had to commit to follow-up visits to ensure healthy recovery. She has to be reminded daily to wear her elastics and to floss her teeth. Make it to a post-abortion appointment?

I find it incredible that I should find it acceptable that my daughter can go to a clinic, be anesthetized without my permission, have her cervix dilated without my permission, a vacuum inserted into her dilated cervix and the "contents" of her cervix sucked out. I don't think this acceptable whether a parent is pro-life or pro-abortion. I also find it deplorable and unacceptable that someone else should be allowed to guide her tenuous mental and emotional state before, during, and after such an operation.

I am for parental notification simply because as a parent, I have the right to know and be involved in the life of my child, whether she wants me to be or not.

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Nicely said. Plenty to think about, here.

"I am the one who conceived her. I am the one who gave birth to her. I am the one who nourished her from my own body, both inside and out, for 22 months. I am the one who has sheltered, feed, clothed, educated, and loved her. No one holds the health, physical or emotional, of my daughter as her highest priority and most humbling calling than I. No one is a better advocate for her than myself. No one."

I couldn't put it better myself -- thanks for articulating this truth so well.

Well, your personal story had me crying. Now my makeup is all messed up...Thanks..;-)
One organization I have worked with..The Nurturing Network realizes that most abortions occur with women just like you and they cater to that.

The thing is, as we all know, our hormones go nuts and then add morning sickness and all the fear, so many women just choose that "easy way." and no one in the family knows the difference. Or the boyfriend is not as loving as yours was.

I found in counseling that most girls just want SOMEONE to say that this isn't the end of the world and that someone will be there to support them. Truly, this is what most of them needed. My personal experience had most parents upset at first, but supportive when talked to. (But I live in Texas, so maybe a more pro-life view here, I don't know)

One more thought about parental notification. The teen years are hard between moms and daughters even if they have had a great relationship. A young girl may just not want to disappoint. Or have a boyfriend insisting. WE all remember how we were influenced at that time in our lives. Depending on having the "values instilled" doesn't always work when there is so much pressure and fear.

You have a true gift of words, Rae. Although I agree with you on the entire matter, I never thought about how I would debate this touchy subject. You know me, debate is a weakness I have, but I am getting better, thanks to you.

"Lucky" for me, I abstained during my high school and college years (clarify-intercour$e) because of two examples that scared me enough to keep my pants on.

LMA- thank you. Thanks also for providing an engaging springboard.

Carrie K- Thank you, too.

RWS- true. So we must keep talking and being a part of their lives, even in discreet ways, so they know that we are trustworthy. "Be what you want to see."

Amy Jo- "There but for the grace of God go I." I know what you mean.

Rae-bestos,
Studies prove that parental notification laws reduce abortion rates. I think part of the reason is because girls have a stronger reason to say 'no' to sex if the stakes of pregnancy are higher. In that way, parental notification laws have a teaching effect.
Research also shows that all youth risk behavior (smoking, drinking, sexual activity, drug use and violent behavior) are all reduced by kids percieving a sense of "connectedness" with their parent(s) and with their schools. This is great news because it means that parents are very able to affect the behavior of their children.
Parental notification laws have their flaws because they are broad rules of public policy and, with most laws, do not take into account all the potential circumstances that may arise.
Most parents believe that they have a right to direct the medical care of their unemancipated children. Party because they are on the hook financially and relationally should complications arise.
In Kansas, the Attorney General is investigating how Planned Parenthood and abortion clinics have aided and covered up crimes of sexual abuse against minor girls. In those cases, the clinics themselves are guilty of a crime.
Abortion is at its most fundamental level an exploitation of women. Anything, including parental notifcation laws, that can reduce the exploitation of women is a positive thing.
Pdub

I want a place to sit and read in the kitchen, as well, as a place to eat. "Formal" dining areas have never interested me. Ask my girls and they can repeat my mantra, "A good chef cleans as she goes." So any mess there wouldn't bother me, as it is typically minimal anyway. I just think there to be so much warmth there.

The best memories I have of spending time with family and friends is in the kitchen before the meal is served, while eating, and sitting with coffee or wine afterward. If I am not reading on the computer while drinking coffee, it is at the kitchen table that I sit and read and sip in the mornings. After lunch, I read aloud either a chapter from a book (currently More Tales from Uncle Remus; I really enjoy Julius Lester and Jerry Pinkney ) or The Child's Story Bible (hands down, the best childrens Bible ever). While the children are out in the neighborhood in the afternoon sun, I sit between stewing, or baking, or broiling, and browse a magazine, paper, or continue a chapter in my own reading.

So, the kitchen seems to me the perfect place to establish a reading area, and to fill with not only cookbooks, but tomes of literature and periodicals; the perfect place to feast not only the body, but the mind and soul, as well.

« Hide the rest of Consuming

* Note that I would change nothing about Anne. However, sometimes there are things about our favorite writers that if we could alter even slightly, we would, so I thought I would ask.

« Hide the rest of Questions for Cindy

Rae, I have a question for you and Cindylou about a writer I know from Columbia, MO who has written a book called The Jordan Tracks. It is set in California, MO during the Viet Nam era and a father's crisis of faith while his son is over there. The author is Steven Wise. He is looking for bloggers to read and give the book a little promo. Are you interested?
I can see Cindy where the topic could be tough for you to read at this point. Could either be a good thing to read or not. Let me know if you'd like to review it too.
And you didn't ask me but I don't know that I'd change anything about Anne Lamott. I don't always agree with her, but she gets to the heart of the matter and challenges me to think more deeply about how I live out my faith. At times I think she is totally whacked and that's ok. She's in Denver this week but it was sold out long ago.

If you could change one thing about Anne Lamott, what would it be?

I realize this question wasn't directed to me, but since I'm a big fan of Ms. Lamott, I can't resist answering it. The only thing I'd change about her would be her address. Texas could use a writer like her!

Ben--I've emailed you, but the answer is yes, definitely! :)

She was the best goalie on her soccer team last year. During a game, she was focused, but could also laugh with a teammate in a lighter moment. However, if she missed a ball, it took everything we had to help her remember the six others she had blocked. When she plays piano, it must be a perfect execution of the piece or she sees herself as a complete failure. In swimming for the Summer Games or in her league conference she must be first or she kicks herself all the way to the locker room. She cannot see improvement of times and places from the previous year or even meet as accomplishments. She lives very much in the moment and quickly forgets what isn't right before her eyes.

This morning during an individual piano competition C played two pieces that she has worked hard to master. She made one mistake in the first, and none in the second. After playing, she bowed and stomped over to the seat next to me. I made a very small and discreet attempt to let her know she played very well, but she sensed it was coming and moved to the next chair over. After all the other students had completed their performances, the judges handed each child a certificate. C received the highest score and rating a child can receive. Still, she wasn't pleased with her playing.

The drive home gave her ample brooding time. It didn't take long for the dark clouds to pass. As soon as we were home, the required accoutrements discarded to the laundry basket, jeans and t-shirt donned and appropriately decorated with snack material, the mistakes were forgotten.

To impart to her to be prepared; to do her best; to be humble in accepting help; to be honest in evaluating her effort and to accept the outcome, not with smugness or complacency, but with the satisfaction that comes from hard work and playing hard, this is our challenge in rearing our strong, smart, talented, lovely, loyal, impetuous C.

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I also committed to making my best attempts at respecting her thoughts and opinions, to be considerate of her suggestions. I knew these issues would present themselves when she was far older than a mere 15 minutes post-delivery. The early end I was confident I could handle: breast-feeding, diapering, reading, singing, playing, stimulating those delicate synapses to connect. It was physically exhausting at times, but I was sure of her love, desire, and loyalty to me.

Well, she is cashing in on those promises. Everyday. Sometimes hourly. Let me just say, it isn't for the cowardly. I screw-up. I am prideful. I yell. I get sarcastic. I am tired. I am impatient. I get frustrated. I need a dictionary because I think we are speaking the same language, but when she repeats back to me what I have said, something is getting lost in the translation.

This girl is brilliant and talented and beautiful and resourceful and kind. I couldn't, I wouldn't ask for anyone else. I love her creativity; her sense of propriety; her desire to help; her sense of justice. If we were adults, I would latch onto her friendship and not let go. I would accommodate her eccentricites and chalk it up to her uniqueness. Why do I struggle so to do it when she is my adolescent child?

Last night I was attempting to show her the steps for one of the dance movements in the play. She immediately bristled and resisted. Instead of forcing it, I looked around for someone else, a woman I had observed to be kind, and competent. I then said that I needed a bit of help, too, and followed along. I wasn't allowed to make one suggestion. Only to observe and be a part of learning with her.

Today, she had to pass-up an opportunity to babysit because of her commitment to swim team. There was a misunderstanding between the neighbor and E as to what time the neighbor needed to return home. I settled it and it left her unable to sit. The stocks would have been more pleasant compared to the accusations that flew my direction. Finally, I could stand it no longer. I caved. I yelled. I told her I was tired of her treating me like a traitor. I explained that there was a miscommunication and her method wouldn't have worked out. I mentioned that I typically try to let her sit whenever she can, this time just wouldn't work. Next my arrangements for car pooling to swim team were challenged. I am sure the neighbors could hear every word, even though we were in the basement hurling words like shots, hoping each would land far and hard.

She is now gone to swim team. I couldn't handle sending her off without finding a kinder voice. There was no time to resolve it the right way, so I deferred in several small ways, finally telling her that I loved her and wanted her to have a good swim. I think she muttered thanks and walked through the door.

I just can't screw this up. Usually I am quite confident in my parenting, but this whole hormonal, growing-up thing is really shaking my resolve.

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This _is_ the hard time. But as my experience with my older ones shows, even though much more limited, it is the perseverance of the values you have taught her that survives as you both come out the other end. You do have to stick to your guns. Any inconsistency now would make your life much more difficult. From this outsider's viewpoint, you sure seem to be heading them in the right direction.

Sounds like normal Mom daughter stuff to me. I am not a mom or a daughter so my credibility on the subject...well...there isn't any but I don't know of a Mom or daughter I haven't heard that story from.

The healthy ones I know also know that no matter how much yelling or friction...there was never a question about love. You told her you loved her and you are seeking to do your very best. She won't forget that.

Take that for what it's worth.

In Him and a confirmed bachelor who is probably wrong,
Randy

Oh Rae,
I do not have words of wisdom (how can I?), only sincere compassion. Fighting to control my toungue with my children is one of the hardest things I struggle with. I tend to be very sarcastic and sometimes demeaning. The only thing I know what to do is to say to W, "We will always work it out.". Kris has trained me well.

PS. Because of financial difficulties and saving to go back to the Mid-West in the Fall we can not go skiing. Sorry I didn't get back with you sooner, Little K has been sick with strep for the past four days. Finally, on Monday she was gifted a shot of penicillan and has improved. She is talking non-stop.

This is a you spot it-you got it deal. Totally normal. Although like I hope for, I think she will be smarter and tougher and more principled than you are (or me). Sort of like you with gas on the flames. If that bugs you it really shouldn't. That thought should be the greatest of compliments to your work. This kid is smart. And just like any adolescent she will look for inconsistencies and chinks in your armor. It will be fine in the end.

Carol had always been trim and fit, active in her community, church, and lives of her family. She had four children and nursed them all until they were a year old. They moved away several years after we moved to town, so my intimate knowledge of her wasn't very strong, but I watched her from afar, gathering in her quiet kindness, her sweetness to her children, her friendship and love of her husband. Bob was one of the few men who would serve in the nursery and my A loved him. She didn't particularly like to be separated from me for any length of time, so I didn't start placing her in the nursery until she was about 15 months. She would cry and be generally inconsolable. However, if Bob were there, she would clap her hands, smile and reach for him. Bob is about 6'10 and truly a gentle giant. I recall once Bob was serving communion in the evening service. A gentleman whose wife had abruptly left him, claiming him boring after 15 years together, sat behind us, quietly weeping, alone. The piano playing reflective music, the congregants quiet, I could hear him crying behind me, yet I didn't know him well enough to say anything and I didn't want to draw attention to him. Bob took the communion plate from R's hand and stepped to the row behind us. I turned my head slightly and saw the massive, tender hand of Bob resting on G's shoulder. He said nothing, but the relief of such a private and painful burden, was for the moment, relieved. Bob stood there for a few minutes. The kindness of one man to another brought tears to my eyes. They rolled down, dripping onto my hands into my lap.

R and I were the youth leaders for Bob’s and Carol’s children for several years. Each Christmas, Carol would bring some unique trinket for us in thanks for sharing with her children. The last year they lived in our town, she crocheted a bookmark, tying a sea blue ribbon on the end. The card told me that she knew I enjoyed reading and thought I would enjoy having something to keep my place.

They found out Carol had breast cancer in 1996. We were all shocked to hear it, just as anyone is to learn someone they know has cancer. It always happens to the people in articles or on billboard cure testimonials, not to those we personally know. I began to pray in earnest for her. A mutual friend shared the difficulty of her treatments, and the exhaustion they caused. After a radical mastectomy and radiation she was pronounced cancer-free. She had reconstructive surgery and started her life again. Now experienced in the pain of this wretched disease, she began to actively support and campaign for a cure. She ran local 5K's, volunteered, educated, reached out to other women soaked in sadness and despair, giving them hope and encouragement.

My life became busy, but I would think of her each time I used the bookmark. Holding it between my fingers, feeling the softness of the thread and ribbon, I would pray for her health, for her constitution, for her family and faith and that I could be as courageous, honest, and lovely should I ever have to face such a challenge.

The radiation that killed the cancer in her breasts caused cancer elsewhere in her body. It was a fight she would not win. She leaves behind four children, ages 23 to 16, and her best friend, partner, lover, husband. My heart breaks for their loss.

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So terribly sad, Rae. I have been faced with an awful lot of cancer in my immediate circle in the past few years, and it's always a horribly cruel disease. It just seems so much more cruel when it takes a young parent away from a family. Another poignant reminder to us all - have you (or the women you love) had your mammogram?

I am so sorry, Rae.

3)I do believe that government has an obligation in order to sustain
society to provide laws punishing immoral and abhorrent behavior. It is the duty of those in authority to discern, state, bear and uphold the standard of expected and allowable conduct of its citizens.

4)I do not believe that the government is obligated to ensure the same
standard of living for all its citizens, but the citizens should, in
private measures, look to the needs of not only themselves, but to
their neighbors in need. I believe for this society to perpetuate and to continue each citizen must not simply look to the needs of him or herself, but also
to that of his or her neighbor both in their specific communities and
the world community through private effort, whether individually or
through collective and combined private effort, as well.

5)The government does have an obligation to defend and protect the
liberty and life of its citizens, and to promote Democracy in the
world; standing for and aiding the efforts of humanity to liberate
itself from repressive and oppressive governments, using discrimination in allocation of monies, services, and the lives of our citizens in so doing.

6)I do not believe in prayer in school. It is the right of citizens
to religiously educate their own families and themselves in whatever
manner they see fit and in what manner they have conviction. The
government in no way restricts the personal civil liberty of each
citizen to privately pray and seek counsel from her God.

7)I believe the president as commander-in-chief has preemptive power to declare war. Without this exclusive power our great nation would surely have been forever and irreperably divided, and many countries, cultures, and peoples demolished, diminished, and decimated.

8)I do believe it in the benefit of the country for the government to
regulate trade and commerce and to also hold industry accountable for
its effects on the environment in neither an overly restrictive manner
such that it a burden on the profit to the company and its
contribution to the economy, nor is the burden for the conservation
and stewardship of resources left unaccountable either.

9)I believe in the personal responsibility of each citizen to
individually and collectively uphold the Constitution of the United
States, to honor the law, challenge it where it proves a burden or
intrusive, to vote, be active in their own communities and the
community of the world at large.

10) I believe the government has the prerogative to collect a tax, not
without accurate representation, from the people. The government is
accountable to its citizens to proper use of the monies collected from
said citizens, to give account of usage, and to return to its citizens
the benefits of such collected monies.

11) I believe it is the duty of the citizens to provide for the
education of the general public, the weight of said duties left to the
individual communities and parents/guardians of the children present
in their communities. There is a direct benefit in assuring the basic and general
education of the youngest citizens of this country.

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Just goes to show that we need more political parties :)

Not to spook you or nothin', but I hear Karl Rove just put a hit out on you for toe-ing the party line.

I'd get the heck outta Dodge, lady.

Whoops.

For NOT toe-ing the party line.

My mistake, but I'll blame it on the whisky.

I believe that children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride. To make it easier, let the children's laughter remind us what we used to be.
I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow...

rae- have you read the poisonwood bible? sometimes you remind me of leah the 3rd daughter [her good side!]. i hope someday we get to live closer together!

Rae--You forgot gun control. Where're you at on that one?

I oppose abortion and the death penalty, too, as part of an effort to be consistent. I don't see how the death penalty can compare in monetary expense to life in prison. There's the rub, dealing with the consequences of our positions. Who will pay to support the unwanted, unaborted children and the unwanted, unkilled criminals? We live in the ambiguous grey zone of our intents.

Andy- we've already covered this.

K-that sounds vaguely familiar.....but it is an excellent platform. :D

Ann- isn't Leah the one who marries the African? I related best to that one regardless. Yeah, me too. It will absolutely kill me when you two have children to not be around. When are you coming this direction for interviews?

Cindy- see the Constitution of the United States, second Ammendment :D People kill people. Do you know how many people die from farm impliments each year, and yet no one is calling for regulations on those....flippant, I know. But I support the right of the individual to keep and bear arms and that right shall not be infringed.

Georganna- hi :D Thanks for coming over. Need you to clarify: are you saying that you think the death penalty when imposed and carried through must be cheaper (in monetary terms) than life in prison? Yes, I think there are opportunities for people opposed to abortion to put their money where their mouths and convictions are, but I don't necessarily think it is that we are compelled to adopt, but maybe we can aid a young woman while she carries her child to delivery; volunteer at a CPC or the United Way; teach parenting classes, or mentor young parents; or, finally, adopt. As for all those unkilled criminals, I am still waiting for your clarification up there. It will be shown that the death penalty is far more costly to the tax payer and society than life in prison.

I think the death penalty can be implemented with enough safeguards to ensure that innocent people aren't killed. I think part of the support for it due to too-lenient sentencing. We're headed towards the Eurabian version, which is not just anti-death penalty, but anti-stiff sentencing. In Germany, a man who killed and ate another man will be out after 5 years!

Jeff, then I think the government and those in support of the death penalty should call a spade a spade. The death penalty simply isn't a deterrent. No one says, "Hmmm, I might get the death penalty if I shoot this guy, so I better just rob him only."

Your example was effective, however, I am resisting wretching....

I think crime deserves to be punished, but I do think effort should be made to understand why someone commits haneous crime. You know, not just treat the symptoms but stop the source?

I used to be a die-hard (no pun intended) death penatly supporter, but have been thinking about it in the last few years. I used wrong interpretation of Biblical scripture to support my belief.

I am open to change though. Present the safeguards of which you are thinking.

*not edited- in a hurry.

RAE:

I agree you on the prayer in schools issue... but I also think the lack of values in schools creates a vacuum that is often filled with bad values. I don't believe that anything is value-free.

I also agree that citizens should "provide for the education of the general public"

...but, our public schools (on average) have gotten so awful in the process.

That is why I see a voucher system as the answer. The parents get to send their children to a school which promotes and nurtures the values important to the parents. And academic standards/results improve as well.

Where do you stand on vouchers?

Vouchers might be a great way to make schools strive for excellence, but the concern is that vouchers don't typically cover full expenses. Lower income families would be forced to send their children to "cheaper" schools, while wealthier families would have access to the better schools. I think this sounds like the system we already have. Funneling money away from public education doesn't seem to be a wise move.

Special K:

(1) While there are a small percentage of exceptions, you can't get much worse than today's public schools

(2) BTW - lets call "public schools" what they really are... "government schools".

(3) So what if the Rich still end up sending their kids to more expensive schools. Implicit in your statement is the idea that, for every winner there is a loser... or... for someone to do well, someone else has to suffer. However, the less expensive schools that lower income families might choose may very easily provide an education that is vastly superior to the government school alternative they are stuck with now.

(4) Also implied in your statement is the idea that more expensive schools are better. Personally, I think that the most expensive private schools often put the extra money into stuff like larger stadiums, better gym equipment, extravagant field trips... etc. To the extent that this is true, less expensive private schools are able to produce graduates who are just as capable, intelligent, and knowledgeable.

(In fact, my daughter's private school is a great example... it operates on a "shoe-string" budget... they spend LESS per child than public schools do... sure, a lot of the "frills" are missing... but her school provides an education that is better than all the other schools in our area, public or private.)

Finally, consider the fact that many lower income people are trapped by their circumstances in crummy areas with crummy schools. Most such parents don't care about their children's education. But some do! These are the people I feel for.

To stand in the way of vouchers is to stand in the way of the poor lower income single mother who WANTS a better education for her children, but is STUCK with a crummy public school. You might as well envision yourself standing in her way and forcing her descendents into a cycle of dependence and poverty.

Mr. McEwen,
I don't know how to respond to most of the statements and accusations you made,possibly because I was publicly educated. But...
#1- I believe it could get worse. There are many teachers and administrators who work very hard to provide a loving, safe environment for their students to learn in. They attend workshops, stay up late planning lessons that will stimulate and educate their young charges. They cooperate with other teachers, parents, and the community to ensure they are giving these children the best opportunities they can.
#2- OK, if you want
#3- I do not believe that for every winner there is always a loser. I do believe, however, that with education, or any institution trying to operate on a budget or with limited monies, the funds have to come from somewhere. It is just basic accounting.
#4- I am glad that you have found a suitable educational facility for your child, whether that be private or public.
#5- I will not make an assumption as to whether or not low SES families care about the education of their children. Finally, it is unfortunate that socioeconomic status is a major factor for educational success, but it is. Also, I will not envision myself standing in the way of anyone trying to better themselves or their children. There may be someone or some circumstance in her way, but I guarantee you it is not me! Frankly, that is a nasty thing to say!

Special K

Some good thoughts.
On the government schools-in my opinion everyone should be for good government schools. We all have to live with each other and most of us are taught by the government, including me. No doubt there is a lot of variation. I saw this for myself when I moved into a different school in sixth grade I had to work hard to catch up. Also it is an honorable profession to desire to teach our children. K speaks of those who work hard. Keep in mind that generally people who work hard do so to overcome something that is lacking. That is the case no matter where you work. I see that in my job. The fact is that the system is soft and will only reflect society in general. Money is not the answer. I am one to say that most folks in education trully do care. But it takes that and willing students supported from the home to make it all work on average. In the case of the vouchers it may be that the parents who care will be involved anyway and those who don't will accept the status quo no matter what it is. So using that reasoning it may empower the ones who desire to do something about their situation.

Gee Rae, I agree with you on everything and I call myself rightwing (and sparkle, but that's another story)
One of us is fooling ourselves...;-)

__________________________

Not at all complete and don't know that I will. It was just something short that popped into my head.

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Hmmm, is this asking for continuation? Because I'm still waiting to know what the woman saw out of her window... at least I think that's where I left it. :)

One Hour Photo, Anyone?

have ya seen it sis?

Yes, I saw it. It totally creeped me out. I didn't develop this very far, but I don't think I would make the male character looney.