(Not) Going to the Chapel

Having seen my own mother widowed at 30, I sometimes contemplate things that perhaps I may not have.

R has my permission and blessing to remarry should I die.

The only reason I can say this is because I know that I will be either a. dead and unable to see anything pass between them or b. dead and "perfected" thus eliminating my jealous heart. I know that if a sweet, young woman saw R and our four daughters alone, she could not resist her heart. She would take pity on them and fall in love with him and our daughters. He protests that once she found out he would be unable to provide the necessary ingredients for conception of their own child, she would abandon them. I redirected his thoughts to modern technology: an extraction method would allay her fears and down the isle they would go. He might even get to wear a tux at his own wedding! Having been married in Onslow County, Jacksonville, N.C. (all you sleuths can go figure out the details to that mysterious method of matrimony) in December 1990, we wore our Sunday best before a Magistrate and our parents. So, he never donned the black and white for his own vows, although he did for many of his friends.

My only requirement is that the girls accept her and approve the union. He agreed and so did they.

Should R meet His maker before I do, I know that I could never remarry. It isn't that I wouldn't want to. I do not doubt my ability to love and know that while awkward, I could again become intimately involved with someone again. I don't know that I could ever trust another man not my daughter's father. I simply could not believe that he wouldn't hurt them in some way. Shallow? Maybe. Lacking faith? Yes. Besides, I cannot help but think that men would look at five women as more of a liablity than an asset. This thought is much of the fuel behind my desire to finish my degree in English Literature. I want to get my Master's and teach at a community college/smaller college. I desire to remove any financial dependence. It would make someone less socio-econmically desirable. If I can do what he could, then I wouldn't need "him" so much. Replacing the intimacy of a relationship with a fat bank account and benefits won't completely satisfy me, but it will remove a bit of the hunger. If I think things through in anticipation of a forthcoming or possible event, I am more resolute in my action. I know myself and while I may desperately love a man, I could never trust him. So, in order to not hurt another, I will altogether avoid it.