June 24, 2004

No thank you to the Twinkies

My third day with no coffee. Why? Well, in the last six years it seems my normally low blood pressure has gone into the high-normal range. And my cholesterol. It's 258. I am 5'8 1/2 and weigh 140. So, it isn't obesity or being overweight that is causing the high cholesterol and blood pressure.

My mother redefined time for herself a long time ago. The other day she commented that "we have always been able to talk." I stiffled a chortle and my silence propelled her on to other conversation. I love my mother and long ago forgave her, but in choosing to forgive, I also chose never to forget; thus not allowing myself to rewrite my own history.

My father, whom I never knew, never saw in flesh and blood, died of a heart attack at 38 and his father before him at 40. This I found out on my own initiative as my mother found it too painful or had simply "forgotten" the details of his life.

So, I am genetically predisposed to high cholesterol. It seems that my age has been before my eyes the past few weeks. R mentioned to me the other night that I am probably not ovulating every month; that my eggs are "running out." Now, my biological clock has been run through four times, but in that moment, I felt it. I felt what many women who have busied themselves with carrer, marriage or just life, had: time is no longer on my side. For a brief moment, I mourned my youthfulness in a way that hadn't occured to me previously.

I am choosing to attempt to lower my total fat intake and increase my physical activity (upping the walking to five days a week) in an effort to get the Ldl down and increase the Hdl. Taking Niacin and B-6, B-12, and Omega-3 (Fish Oil) is supposed to help, too. The odds of my total cholesterol going below 200 using this method are low. My physician told me that after six months, if it isn't down to a safe level, he really wants me to consider going on medication. At least I will have done my level best in attempting to do it myself. That seems to be the story of my life: overcoming tremendous odds. No matter. In the end, my daughters will know their story (and health) by truly knowing mine. No forgetting or rewriting going on here.

Posted by Rae at June 24, 2004 11:18 AM | TrackBack

Almost everyone calls my car "The Couch." It is a 1999 Lincoln town car, butterscotch with a brown cloth cover roof. Maybe a touch" pip daddy "for most people's taste, but I have grown to love it. You see, the couch was my fathers car.

My father passed away last summer. A month or so later, when we were sorting out his possessions my mother remarked "we have to sell that thing." I took the keys, smiled, and made his car mine. At first it was a bit odd driving it. You see the couch floats rather than rides. It is no BMW. This is a good thing, because the magic is in the floating.

The couch at times transforms me. I slip into a trance, aware of external world and aware of the trance I am in. It's an in between place, not spacey, quite grounded actually. Here, in this state, in this car, I am never alone. I am my father's chauffeur.

I loved my father deeply, but I didn't always listen very well, and was often dismissive. Fortunately he also loved me and has remarkable patience. Patient enough to wait for me. For most others, he has passed on in an ordinary way. For me that is just not so. He lives most the time in my driveway, waiting patiently, for our ride together.

He is calling, time to get the keys.


Posted by: brando at June 27, 2004 07:51 AM

Thank you for visiting (come back often), Brando. But even more so, thanks for commenting (vistors welcome, commentors adored) and sharing a special story in your life :)

P.S. Hey! Thanks for the link, too :)

Posted by: Rae at June 27, 2004 09:21 PM
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