When a child of mine tells a lie, they are severely punished. R and I decided long ago that would be the consequence to telling untruths. Only one of our four children has struggled with fabricating.
I recall the first time I realized she had lied. I took her aside and asked her to spank me because lying hurts everyone. Extreme? Yes. Effective? Temporarily. The second time, I asked her if God ever lied. No, she replied. I asked her how she would feel if she strived to please God her whole life and when she died, God told her it was all a lie and her efforts were in vain and she was sent to hell. Extreme? Yes. Appropriate? I thought so at the time. Effective? Not enough.
So the third time we came around the same corner, it involved her sister; a "she said/she said." Only mama knew what happened, because mama heard it all go down. Employing Solomon's wisdom, we took both daughters in our bedroom and told them that since we couldn't discern who was speaking truth and who was speaking lies, we were going to spank them both. In front of each other. Now, of course we weren't really going to spank the innocent child. We knew the lying child well enough to know she couldn't live with herself if she allowed that to happen. We knew the effectiveness of seeing your sister unjustly accused and sentenced. This lying child is a "J" in the Briggs-Meyers personality test. Unjust accusations are intolerable for her to bear.
Sure enough, as we commanded the innocent to receive her spanking, the lying child asked us to stop. Feigning ignorance, we asked why. Nothing, she said. So we proceeded. "Wait! Stop!" she cried. "Yes?" "Ummm, I....." Nothing was confirmed, so we continued. The interruptions also continued until we told her that if she couldn't tell us why we shouldn't spank this child, not to stop commencement of spanking her. Finally, she tearfully exploded with "I did it. It was me. I am so sorry. I am sorry that I almost allowed you to get a spanking. I am so sorry that I lied." Obviously, the innocent was quite relieved. The innocent is an "SP" on Briggs-Meyers, so she is one of the most merciful persons I have ever encountered. She looked at her sister, told her she loved her and forgave her.
After a sweet administration of hugs, innocent was sent forth to her bed. Turning to the confessed child, we asked her if she felt her lying deserved to be punished? "Yes." Did she think us unjust in administering a spanking for the lying? "No." I took her onto my lap and stroked her hair and told her that nothing she could ever do would make me not love her. "In fact, I love you so much, I won't let you become a liar." R seconded my thoughts and added a few of his own. She received her just punishment and has never lied to me again.
I consider myself a very good judge of character. I am also extremely merciful like my daughter. Rules are to be formed to shape the situation, not to be hard and immoveable. Or we like to think that. But in reality, there are rules that aren't to be broken and are in place for protection and to allow liberty. It seems that we Americans wrestle with accepting rules. They are so inhibiting, we whine. They are restricting, we cry. They don't allow creativity, we groan. I cannot deny myself having uttered those words, having echoed those thoughts. But when I send my daughters out to play, I expect a bike helmet on those heads. I expect stopping at the corners, moving to the side when cars come down the street. Coming when I call is not arguable. I have told my daughters that I will do my absolute best to rear them with understanding, compassion, and firmness but on certain things I will not bend. There are appropriate times for discussion in an effort to create understanding. I have explained that I must do what I believe to be right in protecting them, shaping them, and guiding them because at the end of the day, I need to sleep with a clean conscience. And at the end of my life I will stand before Our Creator and I need to be able to tell Him that I did my level best with what He entrusted to me.
I don't know that they can fully understand this until their own wombs are full of the wiggling life resulting from the blessing of their passion and prayers; until they hold the child that they delivered from their own body hot and wet from the bath of a mother's labor, her protective waters, her very blood; until they see said children fattened on the milk of their breasts; until the child whom they have so lovingly provided for defies them for the first time. In that moment, they will truly know that rules are good, beneficial, acceptable and truly liberating.
Posted by Rae at July 12, 2004 01:11 AM | TrackBackChildren lie because they are affarid .I try to deal with the fear rather than the lie itself. As they get older, I am careful not to ask unnecessary questions where they are forced to lie.It is not so much about policing lieing as it is about establishing trust. I ask myself, "What do they need from me?"
Posted by: Brando at July 12, 2004 04:30 AMBrando, to some extent that works. However, everyone comes to points in their lives where they are afraid to tell the truth, perhaps to their spouse or maybe to their boss. Without experience doing the right thing, what are the chances of not lying in those situations?
Character is not something that materializes when needed; it is intentionally built brick by brick.
Posted by: King of Fools at July 12, 2004 07:27 AMNow I can relate to this. As a result of my cultural upbringing (Hispanic Catolic raising, very traditional), it is very easy to start lying.
A lot of the lying comes from fear of confrontation. So, to avoid the showdown, we lie. But I think this is cowardice.
I learned not to lie the hard way. When I was 23, I was fed up with my life which was a total fabrication in so many levels. I told the LORD "I don't want to keep wearing masks, fabricating, lying and deceiving my whole life!". And He helped me.
Now, sincerity is a spiritual discipline for me, and I plan to instill fear of lying and fear of God in my children, so that they could avoid being liars as I once was.
For Brando: Children lie out of fear? Granted. Then:
1) Deal with their fears lovingly _and_ with the lying, lovingly and justly;
2) Make the consequences of lying more fearful than most things in the life; and
3) Make your children strong so that they could withstand their fear and their sources.
I reckon that the points above are not necessarily attainable; but at least you have to give it a try.
Posted by: Eduardo at July 12, 2004 07:36 AMBrando~
I agree and we are usually able to discern what the fear is. For the lying child it was disappointing her parents. She was so disappointed in herself that she thought we would be also. Once we established that lying is far more disappointing than the actual thing being lied about, she understood.
I am also personally familiar with lying from fear as I did it often with my mother concerning my stepfather. I was told not to tell her anything that was happening or I would "pay." So, once again, it is also wise to talk and to dig deeper for understanding, but there must come a time when punishment is necessary.
I didn't go into that part, but I do think that it is wise to not ask your child questions that give them opportunity to lie; however, this particular child needed to have the opportunity to tell the truth when asked. Not everyone will know her like we do. We want her to understand while we sometimes make the wrong decisions and that is disappointing, lying is devastating. She needed to learn to accept responsibility for her actions, however fearful she may be, and that lying is not an option.
I will say that I think there are times when lying is acceptable. If someone broke into my home and asked where the children were, I would lie and tell them they were visiting a family member. If I had to provide harbor for those being persecuted, I would lie (ala Corrie Ten Boom). That is something that I will discuss with my daughters as they grow older and begin to understand things from a deeper level.
King- yes, perfectly said, too. Talk is good and can be efective, but there are times when it is also beneficial to lovingly adminster punishment in order to instill understanding of the severity of the misdeed. My husband has employees who lie to him everyday. They are stuck in the lower level positions or regularly fired. This is not the life we desire for our children.
Eduardo- that was a lovely testimony. Thank you for sharing it :) I am curious as to how you feel your specific upbringing influenced you to lie; that is, how being a Hispanic Catholic made you more likely to lie than not.
Posted by: Rae at July 12, 2004 10:12 AMRae: Thanks, ma'am. Well, the problem with *cultural* Hispanic Catholicism (note the emphasis) is that it is, in so many levels, not only a religion, but a whole system of being human. God is a distant, foreign, cruel and authoritarian overlord, and He is to be approached only by the intercession of the Virgin Mary and the saints, who "appease" Him to do what we pray.
Therefore, we need to avoid confrontation. People in authority are very authoritarian here; that's why in so many Hispanic cultures, beating wives is almost a part of the cultural landscape. People in submission are servile, and try to get what they want by cunning, trading, etc., anything, but in the back of the overlords.
Furthermore, a part of what used to be mainstream Catholic moral theology was that you could use the "mental reservation" when you're asked a question, and you would not sin.
For example, let's say that all of a sudden, Miss Impressionable is about to become a nun. She enters into talks with the prioress of the convent, and then she decides to apply for entrance; then she becomes already a novice, taking some vows.
Miss Impressionable's parents notice the behavioral changes of her that arise from her condition, but they don't know what's happening to her, so they ask her: "What's going on? Are you a nun or what!" And Miss Impressionable says, "No, I am not" ... and she completes in her mind, "No, I am not... in the papers. But I already made my applications, and the convent sisters already treat me like one of them."
Under the traditional Roman Catholic moral theology, this is not lying and the person is not committing a sin. I leave the discernment of such behavior as an exercise to you.
Posted by: Eduardo at July 12, 2004 11:16 AMRae: I'll try my hand at some links just to provide more illustration:
The latter is more "titillating", but illustrate that mental reservation is effectively a lie.
Wow. You and your husband are great parents!
My brother (5 yrs younger) always struggled with lying. I remember when he was about 6 or 7. If you asked him if he was lying, he'd say, I'm not lying, with his mouth open so wide to avoid grinning about it.
I think he still struggles with it. More with The Mominator than with Dad and me. Like Eduardo said - to avoid confrontation. 'Cuz that's what it would be with her. And lectures.
Posted by: GrumpyBunny at July 13, 2004 07:17 AMBrando-IMO you have 30% truths and 70% horse pucky there. Small people and big people like us lie for a myriad of reasons but for only one cause. Sin. We are not perfect and we all stumble. Lying is just another way to do it.
Posted by: R at July 14, 2004 09:25 PM
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