A Likely Story: May 2005 Archives

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Can I just take a moment and sing the praises of a laptop, wireless, and iTunes?

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Rae at 05:47 PM | Comments (2)

I Can Talk About My Mamma, But You Can't Talk About My Mamma

It has taken two years of therapy, realizing the weight of parenting, grasping the grace of God, and ten good years of "real" adult life to understand my mother in terms of her humanity rather than her failures.

It took my gathering her bits of history from those whom I knew I could trust and piecing them together with what she felt comfortable sharing with me to put together what I felt was an accurate, merciful, portrayal of one woman striving in this life under the weight of all her pain, disappointment, betrayal, lack of knowledge, moral guidance, and limited resources. I long ago held her accountable, but with account must come forgiveness and a decision of either reconciliation or rejection. I choose reconciliation.

Nothing challenges me more than when someone chooses to focus on the ways my mother let me down (past tense) and then use it against me. A lot of effort has gone into realizing the ways my mother has positively contributed to me, who I am. It has taken much analysis and honest digging into who I am to find the foundation she laid, to repair rather than demolish.

My mother is many things, some of them less than desirable, but then so is every person in this world. In this life, I choose to focus on the wonderful attributes that she has cultivated in herself: generosity, thoughtfulness, resolve, determination, and that she, indeed, did pass them on to me.

For those who say that I am taking the "easy way out, just like your mother" without concern for my daughters, you obviously don't know me. You know absolutely nothing about me. And, what, may I ask, is so f**king easy about this decision?

Let's review a quick synopsis of mother's life, shall we?

Parents divorce at age 6. Mother depressed, controlling, alcoholic, father leaves. Must take on job by lying at age 14 at local drive-in. Works, maintains grades, plays basketball and cheerleads, feeds younger sister daily because mother has abdicated her role as parent. Leaves home for college. Find self pregnant at 19. What do you do in 1970 when unmarried and pregnant? Get married.

Husband number one: addicted to prescription drugs, abusive, manic-depressive; marriage ends after four months. Bears and rears daughter alone while pursuing a two-year R.N. in order to provide a decent living for self and daughter.

Husband number two: after seven years of living together, marries this evil man only to have him commit suicide leaving you three months pregnant- scared, angry, alone, dreams flushed by selfish bastard.

(Pardon me, but are you seeing a pattern here?)

Years of ignorance and neglectful parenting reach fruition and decision is made to send daughter to a Christian "boarding school"- you know, to make a difference in her life because you can't seem to.

Third and final husband: to outsiders, quite normal. Personally, controlling jerk. Ends in divorce after 11 months.

My brother and I are the only ones who have any place, any standing to question our mother because coupled with our great disappointment is an even greater, compelling love. It took everything in me, every power, whether by God or my own strength to not allow myself to overtaken by indignation. It made me quietly thankful that R has kept his thoughts to himself about my mother, only carefully giving me his opinion when I pried for it, and even then attempting to leave out inflammatory words.

To this day, I still recognize the her failures, still see them expressed in myself, in my brother. I even see very slight colors of them in my girls. But what I see more prominently is a woman, me, and a man on the cusp of his life, my brother, who have been made strong by the weaknesses of their mother, and humbled by her strengths.

So now, I must choose to overlook this unintentioned slight. It isn't easy, but it is right to do so and like so many other things in my life, I can choose to allow it to cause me frailty, or I can be strengthened. Thanks for the opportunity. And don't worry, I think it should be pretty obvious by now that I am not a vengeful or begrudging person. Something else I think I learned from my mother.

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Rae at 10:43 PM | Comments (5)

Galaxy Girls

I have avoided reading any reviews, private or professional, about Revenge of the Sith. It hasn't been easy to keep my eyes from catching the, uhh, less than stellar three word reviews.

In approximately one hour, I will begin my wait with E and two of her friends in order to secure the best possible seats for the 7:00 show. At least I can indulge in watching my daughter have a good time with friends, eat Milk Duds and theater popcorn, drink a Coke, and have Jr. Mints. Those will be more than consolation for the disappointing show.

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Rae at 10:57 PM | Comments (5) | Movies

Water into Wine

Rebuilding a blog takes some time, so I expect the banner to be back up soon, as well as the other little trinkets I collected over the past two years (next month). Ahem, and uh, the "Blogs for Bush" button will be over there, too.

At the suggestion of a friend, I picked up Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury. I must confess that I rarely read the introductions in books, but the title "Just This Side of Byzantium" grabbed my eyes and demanded my attention. I have returned to this paragraph several times since reading it last evening:

"I was gathering images all my life, storing them away, and forgetting them. Somehow, I had to send myself back, with words as catalysts, to open the memories out and see what they had to offer."

I desperately need a sweet distraction at this time in my life, and thanks to the recommendation from the friend, I think I have found it.

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Rae at 10:44 PM | Comments (5) | A Fine Memory

Not Quite

So three weeks later, I am back. There is much that I want to discuss, but simply cannot do so.

Allow me to say that I have learned who my friends are, and who they are not. I think people easily forget the fraility of humanity. The person with whom you are familiar as the author of this blog, Rae, is a persona, that is for the most part completely accurate. However, it is not "me." It is my consciousness made tangible. It is sometimes a record of my comings and goings, but it isn't inherently me. It has been said that I need "recognition" and that people who blog, who tell such personal things about themselves to the world, must be in that category of people who need too much damned attention.

I strived to maintain a respectful level and boundary of privacy for the people in my life whom I love. But when it all comes down to it, you only know about me what I want you to know. This blog isn't me. The thoughts collected here are facets of the complexities of me, but most certainly not the entirety.

There will be some who will wrongly judge because of their own paradigms, convictions, personal experience and varying levels of capacity to empathize or understand. I do my best to generously distribute the benefit of charity in seeking to examine the motives of people. There are; however, some whose intent is obvious self-righteous and malevolent justification.

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I'm deblurking to say I've missed you while you've been gone, Rae, and am looking forward to seeing you write, again. :)

by Princess Jami on May 12, 2005 10:04 PM

People blog for the same reason writers have always written; to leave a mark on the world showing that they really did pass through, and to integrate all the flotsam and jetsam of their lives so they can try to make sense of it all, if even for a moment. What good is it to be literate, if one cannot have the freedom to write and speak their mind? Besides, where else can we show everyone all the cool words we've learned?

by Fayme on May 13, 2005 04:03 AM

So good to see you back. Why we write is less important, I think, than that we write. Words are their own why.

by 414 on May 13, 2005 05:19 AM

Rae, I am so glad you're back - I've missed your writing and your voice in my day! Based on this post, it seems that someone has been giving you grief, and that makes me sad and very angry. I admire you for not allowing yourself to be silenced. There are people who come to your blog every day to read what you write. That, by definition, means that your writing has a purpose far beyond simple self-aggrandisement. And hey - the next time you're gonna stay away, give a gal some warning, mmkay? :-)

by Alisha on May 13, 2005 05:58 AM

Hope you're OK - - was worried about you! Even though you don't write or visit - I know good people when I "bump" into them - no matter how that "bump" took place. Your "site" looks as though it's looking for the "real" you. We may pretend to know people according to their "blogs" - No one is completely uncovered - no matter what the write or share. Be Healthy - Be Happy - Be Hugged

by chrys on May 13, 2005 09:21 AM

Rae, I was very relieved to see your post.

Ditto to the other five comments above.

by Ralph on May 13, 2005 04:39 PM

Rae, I'm so happy to see your post! I've been stopping by here, missing you, wondering if you were okay, if I should send an email or if you were simply too busy with Oliver. I agree that blogging represents only the pieces of ourselves we choose to put here. It sounds like someone's given you a hard time: I too have been attacked for what I've written, by people who didn't seem to understand I had limits on what I could reveal publicly. I'm glad that you are back to writing and hope to continue to connect with you. Peace to you and your family.

by Julie on May 13, 2005 04:50 PM

I don't know what the heck you're talking about, why the blog looks like this or where you've been... But none of that matters. Just glad you're back.

People can't seriously think they 'know' a blogger, when we only put forth roughly 5% of who we really are. 'Tis to scoff.

Welcome home.

by pam on May 13, 2005 05:46 PM

I just wanted to say ditto to all the comments here so far. Very nice words.

Best of everything, Rae.

by Mrs.E on May 13, 2005 06:42 PM

How odd. I was thinkiing of giving you a call this weekend, and here's a post! [HUGS] You've been on my mind.

by Ith on May 13, 2005 09:27 PM

Life is full of surprises. It is true that you will never know who might be by your side when the hard times come. Some are committed and some are not, some may try and some may not.

by R on May 14, 2005 06:01 AM

Glad you're back! You were missed.

by Carrie K. on May 14, 2005 10:11 PM

Rae,
I'm happy you are back. I'm a little worried about you, though - you took your picture away and it all looks different.

Hope everything is under control soon - I love your writing - you are very talented.

by Beth Donovan on May 15, 2005 11:42 PM

As Pam said..."I don't know what the heck you're talking about, why the blog looks like this or where you've been... But none of that matters. Just glad you're back."

Me too.

I'm not foolish enough to believe I "know" a person from their blog...heck, I've learned just this week that a person I've known for THREE YEARS IN REAL LIFE isn't the person I thought they were (and it doesn't mean I love them less)!

I just have those select blogs that I enjoy reading for whatever reason. Glad to see a new post here.

by Susan L. Prince on May 16, 2005 01:17 AM

Let me tell you, there's only one thing that fills me full of self-righteous and malevolent justification, and that's self-righteous and malevolent justification.

by Greg on May 16, 2005 06:17 PM

i completely agree with you! blogs reveal next to nothing of the writer. i read your blog daily, sometimes many times a day, and i'm quite sure that your blog reveals very little of who you are. it's good to see that you're back, and it's good to see that you feel the same way about your blog that i feel about mine: "This blog isn't me." You go, girl. mmkay? visit my blog, www.sheilasrout.com and see my friends!

by Sheila on May 16, 2005 06:34 PM

Rae,

Hope things are okay. I probably *should* blog and turn it in for my homework, but I have a hard enough time just getting the latter done :-)

Wish I could help, but don't know what to help with, exactly, nor in what form should it come...

jon

by Jon on May 16, 2005 08:58 PM

Is Oliver over? Are you going to do more shows?

by jeff on May 16, 2005 09:02 PM

Rae, I have missed reading your daily blogs and enjoy losing myself in your world for a couple of minutes each day. I have felt like I have gotten to know "you" alot better since I have logged on to read your blog. I am truly sorry that people are giving you crap about your blog or whatever. I hope it dosen't discourage you from writting more entries. I do so love them. I love you too. -Sally

by Sally on May 19, 2005 12:48 AM

Glad you're back, Rae. For a while there I thought some talent scout saw your play, and you had left us little people to become a big Hollywood star ! :D

by Joe on May 19, 2005 01:34 PM

Have been watching for you.

Onward!

by Cindy on May 19, 2005 11:02 PM

Welcome back... :o)

by Beth Ellen on May 23, 2005 10:53 AM

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