I had to get to

I had to
get to the bank to beat the merchants cashing my checks, so decided to go to
Tommies (nice that it opens in a new window, huh? I finally figured that one
out), the Krispy Kreme of the west, to grab a bagel and some coffee loaded with
half and half. I really like their bagels and donuts, but hate their
drive-through service. They can never hear me when I make a drive-up request and
add to that a severe hoarsening cold and you have the makings of a terrifically
funny commercial. That was me this morning. After requesting a wheat bagel with
ham, bacon, and eggs, then correcting the polite, deaf young man, I pulled away
to unwrap my delicious breakfast of wheat bagel, ham, bacon, and cheese. This is
the second day in a row (remember yesterday's entry?). It was still tasty, but I
really wanted my eggs. So, anyway, was listening to the The Diane Rehm Show. I
am extremely conservative in my political views, but love NPR. I listen to it
exclusively. I wonder how many other conservatives out there that listen to it?
Now, I don't always agree with their perspectives, but I don't think that I have
to. I rather like their set-up. Back to the thought, their was some professor of
family studies, blah, blah, blah, and he said that children are actually better
with a single birth parent than with a single birth parent and someone else
living in the home, like say, a live in boyfriend. The children are more subject
to abuse and neglect. Studies repeatedly show that children fair best with a mom
and dad. It is amazing to me that the nazi-feminists want the sperm from a man,
but think him useless otherwise. I know that there are people out there who
haven't had such a positive male figure in their lives, I am one of them. But
rather than take the view that ALL men are untrustworthy because one man, two
men, twenty men, took advantage of an attention starved neglected little girl, I
take the view that because of my situation (a parent too focused on herself and
her relationship with her abusive live-in) I was exposed repeatedly to these
types of men. I must say that my experiences have made me an excellent judge of
character. Something I see many women lack. I think because I spent so much time
watching my back, I learned to see past the outside and understand the looks in
eyes, the tone in voice, the habits and distinctions of those that prey on
children. I see it still today while shopping in Target, filling my gas tank,
eating dinner in a restaurant, walking through the halls of church. Oh, and I
didn't just "Get over it" either, believe me I kept plenty of couches and ears
warm with my life stories. I did benefit from therapy and believe in Jesus and a
good shrink. Occasionally I look at my daughters and am amazed that at their
ages I was so much more broken inside. So much more knowledgeable of disgusting
things, so much more sad, and lonely. While walking with E the other day, I
stood back and watched her stride confidently through the isles of the store and
thought, "My gosh. She likes herself. How wonderful!" When we were standing in
the check out line, I asked her if this was true. She said, "Yeah, I do. It's
other people that I don't like." Her cheekiness made me both my lips and heart
smile. I analyzed it and couldn't believe that I had succeeded where my mother
had ultimately failed. Well, o.k. I won't take all the credit. As conservative
as I am, I do agree with the African proverb made popular by Hillary's book that
it "takes a village (I happen to think it takes a village of relatives, not
social workers, that's all)." So, we all had done a fantastic job. Here was a
preteen girl who didn't think herself lacking and not measuring up. Now, she's
not snotty, just confident. Sometimes I go down and snuggle with her at night,
sometimes, I sleep over. She likes it, not that she wants me to say it out loud
in front of friends or anything, but she does. We talk. In the dark, she'll ask
me things that she really wants to know, but isn't' quite comfortable asking
with five other people listening. We talk in the light, too. So, please don't
over analyze. But, she tells me the ways she knows she needs to improve her
character. The thing is, she believes it will happen. She isn't hopeless and
despairing, agressive and hateful. She is positive and full of faith, believing
and gentle. My prayer is that this remains with her always. And that maybe the
wonder of watching it all happen remains with me always.